Author: nobodydefault

Toxicity versus vibrante joyful energy. There are many forms of energy in our world. Hell, I heard our body is made up of more energy then actual mass. It is hard to feel and understand all the forms of energy that surround us and that are within us.

Oddly enough, this topic of energy keeps coming up in my life. Many friends of mine and even my mother mentioned how I connect and feed off the energy that surrounds me. Hence why I become drained so fast and so often. I never really noticed it but now when I think of it, my intution and feelings are intertwined with the energy of the world. More specifically the energy that sheads off of other people.

Taking some time to self-reflex, this is probbaly why I spent so much time escaping into voids where others could not touch or be around me. I would hide in my forts, take lengthly trips and volunteer at the library, take cleaning jobs, and escape into my books and headphones for hours. This is not the norm in my family so let’s say this was an oddity that one of us wanted to be by ourselves.

I have come to learn that it is difficult to turn off my senses and not feel and notice all the energy that surrounds me. What makes it even worse, is that when I sense sadness, anger, or emtions that evoke hardship, I want to fix it. I want to swoop in and wipe away strangers tears, I want to step into fights and explain there is no need, I want to hug and comfort those that I have no relation, I want to give good vibes and wipe away toxic ones. Although, this is a lot to handle. I am slowly learning to find the balance.

How do I turn off the intution of feeling the energy that surrounds me and do I want to is the main question?

Perspective is a funny thing in life. Depending on the person, the time of day, the group of people you are around or even, the chain of events that occur in your life can change a perspective.

Lately my insights and perspectives change based on mere certain life events or peoples comments. The past few months has been a world wind of big life changes and it was hard to keep a float. I lost perspective of my core self. The person I enjoy being and I allowed others wishes, wants, comments, and perspectives to define me. To say the least, I became extremly uncomfortable, uneasy, and unsure. I became a version of myself that I hate and a person I look down upon.

Now with a clearer head after taking much time to self-reflex, talking with my counselor, and leaning on my friends, I can now float again. I am remembering the type of person I enjoy being. The person who loves helping others and if she has a sound opinion to vocalize it clearly. A person who hates being in the mix and center of things but enjoys being in the shadows and seeing others thrive.

I have learned over the past few years, I am most comfortable with being an outsider looking in. I enjoy laying back observing, breathing, and seeing others live their lives. Oddly enough I am seen as an extrovert but in my heart I am an introvert that speaks her mind to see others grow.

My comfort lays in the in-betweens of our worlds, and my perspective comes from oberving others. My opions and voice appear to assist and help.

Give myself time and grace to process. This is a huge order that I am struggling with because it is difficult but also because the world around us doesn’t stop. The main thing I have is the luxury to set aside time to process and heal from the things that trouble me. This I am grateful for as many people are given the value of time.

I grew up constantly moving, bouncing around from one event, house, job to the next. Waking up and springing out of bed to start your day was the norm. There wasnt time to process, or self-refelx. I used to think this was a great thing, to not have time to focus on one-self. It was easier to focus on daily tasks of hosting, cleaning, homework, etc. instead on sparing through my inner thoughts and feelings. I honestly miss it because my inner thoughts and feeling are not only scary but it is hard to sit with one-self.

Over the past two years, I decided to start sitting in quiet. To distance the noise of the world around me and sit with myself. Call it meditation if you will but I don’t have breathing, humming, or chant techniques. I just sit there and think/feel. I allow my thoughts to process and my feelings to wash over me. Many times I tend to cry due to the overwhelming sensation but at the end it is freeing.

That sense of freedom and privilege of time to spend with myself is something I have grown to cherish and not fear.

Writing is supposed to be an outlet, an art, and way to express one self. Writing can also become a burden, a marker in time, or be used against oneself. Once ideas, thoughts, or opions are written, it is difficult to wipe them away in today’s world. Unless words are written on paper that can be torched.

The last time I wrote freely, I ended up torching my words out of fear. My words were read by others that could not comprend my point of view and I was scolded and scrutinized for writing. So I torched my words and barely written since. That one instance has instilled a fear that I am attempting to extinguish.

Oddly enough, it wasn’t until I started writing for my job that I realized the written word can be freeing. Writing can be used as a tool to not only help myself but also help others. A few things I have leared is that when an individual knows their audience, why they are writing, and who they are writing for, it can be rather frutiful and freeing.

Time to change my fear into freedom with this venture.

Shamefull enough its been over a year since I last opened this site. As I reviewed my untouched unpublished post from over a year ago, Unknowing, I realized I still think the same. I am still me, my inner deeper thoughts have not changed, and I still have a TON of self work to do.

So with this in mind and with the revealtion. I am going to try and post daily. Bare with me since I am not used to writing everyday but I hope this new venture assists in my growth.

Every day is a new day but a new day that is microscopic when compared to the infinite loop of time. Lately, everything is unknown to me since I feel like everything is out of my control. The only thing that is suppose to be in my control is me. Right now, I know I can control my actions but I can’t control my emotions.

The emotions that consume me are the deal breakers for me every day. I used to be able to prevent tears from streaming down my face when I felt sad or hurt but not anymore. A simple comment or a simple misunderstanding cripples me to the point where I have a constant feeling of heartbreak. It is a feeling I can barely describe but I know it is real due to the internal pain that it causes.

Interestingly enough my day to day tasks constantly kept me busy. For the longest point in my life, I was never bored or did not have a moment to breathe. For the past few years, I have had the privilege of having time for myself, given time to self reflect, to not have every moment planned, and to actually breathe. You would think that this would be a relief, but in fact, it is the exact opposite. It is rather scary to be alone with one’s own mind.

I catch myself realizing I really do not know myself or have a sense of awareness of my wants, likes or desires. I am constantly self-doubting my self with uncertainty and I realize I have never given myself time in my life to discover myself. To read, travel, and explore different possibilities and passions.

Passion is such an interesting and strong word. It was a word my father used to describe during our fights to describe his yelling, “I am not yelling, I am just being passionate.” I was raised to be constantly changing, constantly moving, and always do what others wanted that I never was given time to discover my wants, desires, and passions. Now that I have the time, I have no clue where to start. What makes it even harder is that I am my own worst critic and start beating myself up mentally and emotionally stating “it is too late”.

I can’t find the motivations to go out and discover what I am passionate about. I have lost the lust and eagerness to venture out, try new things, and take chances of self-discovery. How does one motivate themself to try new things when they feel pointless. Pointless to re-invent themselves and have the feeling of pointlessness and emptiness. One tactic is telling myself how fortunate I am compared to others. Oddly what used to motivate me at a ripe old age of 12 was reading about the holocaust. It made me realize I should make something of my life that I have been given and not waste it. Especially since other’s lives were taken from them.

I am extremely fortunate in the mere fact that I have choices. Every day I wake up and choose to get out of bed and not take my life. I choose to live because I know others were not given that choice. Now, I need to find even further strength to motivate myself and make something of my life. To stop feeling so depressed (although depression is not a choice and it is not going anywhere) and start living this life I am so fortunate to be gifted. I need to find the courage to live, be happy, and experience passion!

There are many moments in life where a person can feel stuck. They can literally be stuck between two structures holding their body in once place, they can be figuratively stuck, or they can be mentally or emotionally stuck.

Lately, I have been mentally and emotionally stuck. I am caught with being physically free to do as I please but not free at all. Rather I have noticed my mind and emotions are holding me captive. The overwhelming sense of feeling stuck hits me every day in the oddest occurrences.  I catch myself listening and talking to others but my mind and heart linger and roam other places. It is as if my spoken word and body are on autopilot and this scares the shit out of me.

How am I able to work, keep relationships, or even excel in life while on autopilot? Interestingly enough, I don’t think anyone can answer that question. I have come to peace with this understanding but I am not going to settle for an autopilot life. I no longer want to feel stuck. I hate feeling not seen, heard, understood, or lonely.

Being consumed by one’s own emotions and mind is one of the scariest encounters. You are unable to run and it is rather hard to explain to others. The only way to break free from yourself is to dive into yourself and figure out how your emotions and mind are keeping you captive. So this means spending more time with me. Silencing the meanless distractions of acquaintances, unnecessary technology, and functions that are not productive to me understanding why I can not break free of my self. I am determined to stop waking up with a racing heart, sitting around people with tears in my eyes, and appearing like a fully functioning happy individual in today’s society when I am screaming inside. I want to break free and no longer be stuck. Let’s see if I am up to the task of fighting myself to find myself.

Silence can either be taken, give, hated, loved, coveted or even be a grievance. Silence can help or even cause damage. Each person gets to choose to be silent or to except silence in their life. I have chosen to both except silence and to be silent. Sometimes I value silence, but recently I have regretted silence.

There are so many bad things that occur in our world. Things that I want to scream about and wish I had the courage to speak out against. Even with small matters, that occur in my day to day interactions with other individuals. Whether, these are individuals that I love and whom I love and who love me, or just acquaintances, I have learned that silence can open truths. Silence not only allows me to think, comprehend my feelings but also allows a gateway for others to divulge. Divulge the truth, divulge rambles, or even divulge distant thoughts. None the less, silence is a gateway, a keeper, and a way to feel heard.

It is up to every individual to determine how they want to utilize silence. I have cried for being silent and allowing silence to overcome me. It can exert so many feelings of whether the burden or the overwhelming urge to release and scream. Silence can give a sense of serenity and peace that is warm and coveted. It is what we do with the silence which determines how it will affect and mold ourselves. Interestingly enough, silence has crippled me but has lifted me up. It has given me the freedom to connect with myself and with others. It is both a burden and a gift, that I still do not know how to handle and quite frankly it scares me with how much power it can hold.

June 17, 2019

April 10, 2018

Oddly the past few weeks there was a tornado warning, it snowed three times, the sun showed four times, there were multiple rainfall showers, and even flowers started growing.  I wake up to birds chirping and this morning during my morning inhale, outside, I noticed the dew on the blades of grass were frosted over. I felt like these weather occurrences are special gifts to me. Reminders that just like the weather, life changes and fluctuates at a moments notice.

Day-to-day I remind myself of all the positives in my life and remind myself that compared to others I am extremely fortunate. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and I come home to a man that loves me. Now on top of those daily reminders, I now include the weather on my list as a reminder that every day is a new day with new occurrences. It is up to me to determine if I accept the new occurrences as a hindrance or as challenges to overcome.

It is odd when it rains or there is an overcast, my mood is happy and carefree. I love the rain. I love the omniscient feeling of a dark cloudy day with a slightly chilly breeze. Something about the small goosebumps and eerie feeling that overwhelms and excites me. It is as if there is something just around the corner looming over the world, something for me to enjoy and figure out. Here is the thing, there is nothing with the weather to investigate, you just take it as it comes and chooses to enjoy it. So with that being said, today on April 10, 2018, I am going to take things day-to-day, choose to enjoy the challenges that come my way, and continue to take my shoes off and jump into the puddles!