Author: nobodydefault

Day-to-day

April 10, 2018

Oddly the past few weeks there was a tornado warning, it snowed three times, the sun showed four times, there were multiple rainfall showers, and even flowers started growing.  I wake up to birds chirping and this morning during my morning inhale, outside, I noticed the dew on the blades of grass were frosted over. I felt like these weather occurrences are special gifts to me. Reminders that just like the weather, life changes and fluctuates at a moments notice.

Day-to-day I remind myself of all the positives in my life and remind myself that compared to others I am extremely fortunate. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and I come home to a man that loves me. Now on top of those daily reminders, I now include the weather on my list as a reminder that every day is a new day with new occurrences. It is up to me to determine if I accept the new occurrences as a hindrance or as challenges to overcome.

It is odd when it rains or there is an overcast, my mood is happy and carefree. I love the rain. I love the omniscient feeling of a dark cloudy day with a slightly chilly breeze. Something about the small goosebumps and eerie feeling that overwhelms and excites me. It is as if there is something just around the corner looming over the world, something for me to enjoy and figure out. Here is the thing, there is nothing with the weather to investigate, you just take it as it comes and chooses to enjoy it. So with that being said, today on April 10, 2018, I am going to take things day-to-day, choose to enjoy the challenges that come my way, and continue to take my shoes off and jump into the puddles!

Challenge

We have all been there, a happy hour that turns into a night out. We tell our selves we are only going to stay for one drink or maybe two and then it is 12:30 am with maybe a bottle of vodka down. Well, this night was last Thursday for me and I was surrounded by work folks.

This was unexpected for me and something just hit me where I wanted to relax, not think, and put it all out on the line. Maybe it was because I had a co-workers husband challenging me, maybe it was of the intrigue expressions of those superior as I opened my mouth, or maybe it was due to the fact that I am tired of trying. I am tired of trying to show some sort of etiquette and reform. I am tired of beating around the bush when answered direct questions. I feel I may be one of those seventy old folks you see in the movies that just don’t have filters, doesn’t give two shits, and says whatever they want.

It may have been the vodka but man a weight was lifted when I voiced I have depression and anxiety to those superior to me. A few of those winced, a few looked shocked, and my confidence seems relieved. All I know is after expressing and sharing those inner parts of me that I have been so scared to share, become so surprisingly therapeutic. It was a moment I look back on with no regret. A moment that causes to me feel even more confident in my own skin. So thanks, to the co-workers’ spouse that challenged me to open up, share my inner secret, and caused me to be my most confident self.

 

Nobody

My opinions, thoughts, or feelings do not matter because I am no one. I am one of the trillions of inhabitants that will live upon this earth. It is sad to say that for most of my life I have despairingly wished I did not live at all. I grew up with internal struggles of depression and anxiety to the point of wanting to take my life on multiple occasions. None the less I still thrive unable to explain the pain I felt growing up in my chest every time I wanted to kill my self. To this day I do not understand stand the pain and for a while, I always thought there could be nothing worse.

It was not until about 6th grade or so I decided to read about the Holocaust and watch nothing but war and horror movies. I wanted to desensitize myself but what happened was a blessing in disguise. I became sympathetic to others.  The pain in my chest was not the worst, there is so much worse out there in the world. Growing up I was thankful that I did not live during the Holocaust or during the terrorized wars and all I bared was an everyday depression of sorrow in my chest. Now, that I am grown I realized with even much more pain in my heart than before that I do not live in those times but my future children may be subject to tragedies I only read about.

What is it about in today’s world that we live in that we can not remember and learn from the past? I read about the horrors of the past to remind myself there are others that hurt. Why can we not see that hurting one another does not take our own pain or sorrow away? Why do we not understand that causing pain to others, in the end, does nothing but cause pain that we all wish to live without? I do not want answers since I feel like these questions are unanswerable. Although, I am sure others may respond. I am just tired of my mind continuously thinking and my heart feeling pain for others I watch and read about on the news. Once again, I am no one, who understand my words will not change a thing but rather this is for my own selfishness of wanting to get my thoughts out of my head.