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Light vs Dark

The saying “things are not black and white, there are gray areas,” is tossing around in my mind daily at this point. Yes, there can be gray areas, but when it comes to pure human empathy, I only see a clear yes or no. Even with the simplest daily events, such as holding doors open for others, the course of action should be, yes, keep the door open. Or even getting in a Lyft, say good morning to the driver, and acknowledge them, they are people. Jumping into a car without a simple hello takes away a simple human connection. Perhaps the dismissal of these acts of kindness has turned the world into what it has become, a world where there is a division.

History shows there was always a division, light vs dark, black vs white, old vs young, and even different cultures against one another. There seems to always be a divide in some aspect or another. But the definition of insanity is repeating the same acts over and over again. Have we as humans forgotten the past and not learned from it? Do we not see how darkness is encroaching on us as a human race again? Holding a door open or saying good morning is so minuscule to what is actually occurring. People are being ripped away from their loved ones for no reason, taken away from their homes, and sent to locations to suffer for no reason. Americans are once again choosing to be blind. We are allowing the darkness to take over and not shine any form of light on reality. Even if we are shown the reality, we turn a blind eye and choose to be in the dark. We are allowing history to repeat itself, and I don’t understand why.

Why have we allowed one man or a segment of people to perpetrate inhuman practices? Have we not learned from the Holocaust or the countless other times in history where locking up humans just because they are different is sadistic? Did we not learn that allowing powerful people to run our media and news causes our voices to be squashed? It is still unclear to me why the darkness is taking over again in history. To me, it is simple: if it hurts another, don’t do it. Take the small steps to help others; those small smiles, hellos, and helping hands can ripple into human connections that have been extinguished. We need to open our eyes again and realize we allowed the dark to overtake the light. Is it because of power, or money? No, it seems like we are choosing to ignore reality once again. We have consumed ourselves with so much static noise to see what truly matters, being decent to one another.

I know I can do more to help others, but I am scared that everything I have worked so hard for will be taken away. I have allowed fear to prevent helping others that I know are being mistreated. I finally have a warm home, health insurance, and a stable income for my family, and I am scared that it will be taken away if I attempt to help others. How can I help and maintain safety for the ones I love? How do I allow my light to shine on others without allowing the darkness into my home? For now, it is smiles, connections, sending money here and there, allowing others to cry on my shoulder, and reaching out to those I know need a helping hand in my local circle.

There is no gray area on how to treat others, but there are limitations on how and how much we can help. I honestly wish we were not repeating history and had learned from our past selves. Why have we ended up here again as a human race?

Global Thoughts

Reading is an act of passion, leisure, a source of knowledge, and an act of gaining power. Reading is a gateway for me to activate my mind in ways that most interactions with people can not accomplish.

The latest book I am reading, opens up so many insights on past work interactions that were so confusing and triggering. Now I realize those interactions were unavoidable. Not due to my actions but because society has created a work where women have to constantly consider others to thrive at work.

I am now aware of the phrase, “think globally and think globally”. Something a woman has to be skilled at in order to get ahead. They have to not only think of themselves but also make sure to insert themselves in a we manner so they are even considered. Something I naturally do. I am constantly creating teams, speaking in ‘we’ format, and orchestrating collaboration efforts to push ‘selfish’ agendas. But is it selfish or a survival mechanism in order to gain what I believe I deserve or what I believe makes sense?

To be honest this new phrase and understanding is now making my brain hurt. I now understand why it is so exhausting for me to be a part of the business world and why I hate promotions. Why I hate being seen but in order to make more money for my family to survive the economy I have to be seen. I have to accept promotions that allow me to ‘climb the corporate ladders.’ A ladder I honestly do not want to climb because it is exhausting having to strategical charter conversations that are simple but due to my gender are difficult to have.

I never realized how many of my mannerisms and way of speech are dictated by trying to survive in a man’s space. Now that I am reading this book, I am learning a great deal about my behaviors and realizing that I am not alone. It is a global issue that women have to think globally and locally to not only protect themselves but also to thrive. While men are able to use terminology freely and still get ahead. They don’t have to build a team to show their ideas will work. They are heard on the pure luck they were born male.

I am learning so much, and I am grateful that I have decided to read again. Do I have time to read, no. But am I going to make it a priority to get back into my reading habits, yes. I realize, keeping my mind active and relevant will benefit not only myself but my family. My first consciousness acts of thinking and behaving globally and locally.

The more I read, the more clarity, knowledge, and power I will have to thrive in this world. To not only be successful for myself but also for my family.

Whiplash

It is crazy how fast memories populate in your mind due to certain phrases, smells, colors, or series of events. My sister and her two girls got into a fender bender recently. They were all okay, and the girls did not even realize they were in a car accident. Thank goodness for car seats and my sister’s fast reaction.

The thought of her children having whiplash from a car accident caused a rush of emotions. My stomach turned into knots, and my heart ached. As I sat there and listened to my sister’s trauma, I tried to push down everything I was feeling. I wanted to be there for my sister. Although, as she spoke and confirmed she didn’t have her kids checked by EMT or doctors, I asked again if she and the girls were alright. I guess I had a certain fear in my voice, or maybe I asked too many times, but the roles switched into her comforting me. She then proceeded to ask why I was so concerned about a fender bender and whiplash on my niece’s. I took a breath and calmly explained how I was in two similar accidents, but our parents never got me checked. Now these accidents were more severe than a fender bender, and I was not protected by the car seats we have today for our children. In the end, my muscles, ligaments, and nerves took a hit that still causes me issues in my adult life.

I thought my sister would not inquire anymore and move on, but she asked about which accidents. I proceeded to tell her about both. Surprisingly she was in the car for one, but I did not remember her being in the front seat. Sure enough, she was shocked that I remembered the one we were in together and never told her about the second one.

Here is the kicker, both accidents I was with my parents and both times my parents were more concerned about optics than my safety. Or maybe they truly thought I was okay. But I was not physically fine from those accidents and I now know I am not emotionally okay either. I still have trauma over 30 years later to both my body and heart.

My sister was in a fender bender with her two girls. My mind flashed the image of my father’s face and his car hitting our gray minivan, right into the side where I was sitting. Not only did my body have whiplash from that day, but so did my mind and heart. Trauma I had no clue was buried came flashing back. Trauma both my sister and I carried separately all these years, now came into light. There were a few seconds of silence after we both realized we remembered that car accident amongst our parents. I immediately felt sadness that my sister was also in the minivan. But also validated as she confirmed it happened. That our father was crazy enough to hit the car that was carrying not only our mom but his two children.

I will never know what caused that accident that day. I will never ask my parents what they fought about or why my dad took drastic measures to stop our car. All I know is that in the past couple of days, I have been tearing up, thinking, I could never purposely cause an accident knowing my children are in the car. As a parent, I never want to cause my children any form of whiplash if I can avoid it. Why did my parents not protect my sister and I from physical and emotional whiplash? Why did it take us over 30 years to talk about this childhood memory? What other buried memories do I have that I share with my sister? All of these feelings and questions are weighing me down. All due to a fender bender that my nieces didn’t even realize happened. Thank goodness for car seats, and for my sister taking the steps to reinvent the wheel and protect her children.

Lean into Fear

Every day I am reminded that I am responsible for other people’s lives, my children. With my newborn, I am reminded every hour to two hours to feed him. Living to take care of others is both a blessing and a curse as it brings you both joy and insanity.

Trying to stay sane is oddly easy for me. Many people, including myself, thought I was going to battle with postpartum depression. I know I have it, but it’s not as severe as expected. Especially since I am quarantining with me and my baby in a house all by ourselves for the first couple of weeks of his life. Sadly my other kids got sick and one was hospitalized. So to protect our newborn, we decided to divide and conquer. My husband takes care of our other two sick kids at his sister’s house and I quarantine with our newborn at our unfinished home.

I miss my family and I miss my other kids. Although I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I find myself listening to the sound of the wind and insects outside. Or listening to my own thoughts for hours at a time. Last night, I realized it had been over a week since I touched a computer or a TV. I thought not being surrounded by my loved ones in a new place would trigger my depression. Crazy enough, I think it is preventing it.

Reverting back to quiet, listening to nature, and being alone with my own thoughts is now preventing depression. I used to hate being alone. I feared it because my mind would spiral down scary paths. Paths of sadness, emptiness, and even suicidal thoughts. Years ago, I decided to lean into this fear of being alone with my thoughts. I no longer wanted to keep busy and ignore my mind or feelings. I wanted to make peace with myself and live in peace. So it was a goal of mine to become whole again by being content with myself in every aspect: mind, body, and spirit.

This journey is difficult and it scared me plenty of times to be alone. Though being thrown into quarantine with my newborn showed me that I have accomplished being content with my mind. Something I was once scared of, I now find peace in my thoughts. Yes, my demons come back every so often but I am now strong enough to fight them on my own. I leaned into my own fear and now I am not scared of myself but rather proud. My mind is at peace and now I need to focus on my body and spirit.

Diversify

The economy is always changing and those who adapt normally stay safe. Safe from being left to catch up, and safe from financial ruin. Learning to adapt quickly is a skill set that many people don’t recognize. The other useful skill is having the foresight to realize that staying in the same routine will cause turmoil.

Knowing when you have reached the end and there are no more growth opportunities is difficult to notice. Leaving that situation or even attempting to modify it slightly to open up possibilities is the hard part. The hardest thing to do is figuring out a way to keep the current position but branching out to other opportunities to diversify. Diversify your income, your sanity, your mental capacity and overall challenge yourself to break out of the comfort zone.

I am busting out of my comfort zone. My friends are helping me a bit but I am still doing it. I was challenged the past few years to start drawing again. A creative outlet I left many years ago. Something that I used to love that others ruined for me by fighting on who got to keep me art and telling me I had to draw a certain way. Now, I am challenged once again, a few years later, to pick up my pencils and draw. I am scared shitless but I am going to try and help a friend who requested illustrations for her children’s book.

Now, art has always been part of my life growing up. I would not only draw and paint in sketch pads but I would also paint while fixing up homes. My first memory of painting trim was when I was about 7 or 8. Oddly enough I found it extremely relaxing. Just how it used to be relaxing to draw and paint for fun. Recently I got to cut a few rooms and paint some trim. Man did this take me back. I immediately felt at ease, relaxed, and happy. Something I have not felt in a long time when it came to ‘painting’. So here I am now thinking of how I can get back out there, market myself, and paint people’s rooms for a profit. Not only will it give me some peace of mind, it will bring in some financial support for my family and will keep my diverse skills sharp. I am now even thinking about making cakes for kids birthday parties. Something else I used to love doing was decorating cakes with my fathers ex-girlfriend. We would sit for hours decorating holiday and birthday cakes. She taught me how to pipe icing and a few other tricks.

All of these skills have laid dormant for over a decade. Hell I think it may have been two decades. But recently they have been emerging because of my kids. Friends and family members are noticing my creative side as they see my sketches I do with my kids, and the cakes I create for them and my nephews. So now I have friends and family members requesting I make their cakes and even illustrate their books. It is scary being noticed for something you not only walked away from but also hide for so many years of your life.

I am realizing tho, that the tech job market is no longer the safest route. The safest route is realizing the economy is shifting again, and I need to shift with it. This time instead of leaving one profession for another. I plan to juggle diversify my professional portfolio and call up on my dormant skills of being an artist.

Don’t you want to be a leader?

This question has been thrown in my face way too many times. Oddly enough, I was told I was going to be a leader by the same person who called me an insignificant little bitch. I was not only told these two phrases but got constant whiplash between following in their footsteps to lead but also to be held down by that same individual.

The skills to lead, observe, and articulate are all positive skills passed down. The skills to manipulate, argue to the point of submission, and read other people’s body language against them were other skills I was taught. These skills though I realized are not necessarily negative but skills I have to use with caution. Skills I have to hide from others. It is interesting how many companies and people have seen these different skills I possess, and try to harness them for their benefit. It is funny how many of them say the same question, “Don’t you want to be a leader?” When they realize I no longer want the same path for myself that they laid out for me.

I don’t want to be a leader. I want to live a simple life and provide for my family. I want to enjoy and bask in the simple things. I want to stop and smell the roses. I want to cherish moments with my children. I want to provide them with financial, and emotional stability. Man there are a ton of ‘i want’ in this paragraph.

Why do so many people see me on a leadership path when I don’t want this for myself? How do I keep ending up with this same question over and over again in different forms? Is there a way to be a leader to help others, balance my skill sets for justice purposes, and cherish my family and simple things in life? Is this obtainable?

Worthy

Insignificant bitch, you know nothing, you are worthless, you have not learned, you will never know, you will never understand, you are worthless. These phrases I was told at least once or multiple times as I grew up. Yes, these sharp knives thrown at me were targeted due to a lack of self-control and rage, but as a child, they affected me. To this day, these phrases cast over me and affect my state of being. They even affect my marriage and overall my daily self-worth.

Today, I realized I still carry these phrases with me. I feel worthless daily and I don’t think highly of myself. Many others have described me in the exact opposite and have even shown me how I am not worthless. For some reason, I carry one and react as if I am insignificant and my opinion, thoughts, and emotions do not matter as much as others.

I can’t believe one person’s words from over twenty years ago still restrain my mind and emotions from moving forward. I realized I truly believe other people’s opinions, thoughts, and emotions outrank mine in all aspects. I realized my default is to think I am wrong and they are right. That I do not matter, and in the end, it is better to either need the other person or to seek escape.

Interestingly enough, many people see me as stubborn, resilient, an advocate, and one who, in the end, is persistent. Yes, I do carry those attributes, but my core is not worthy.

How do I become worthy of myself and not for others? How do I break the shackles of my past? Do I fight for myself, take the challenges I fear to take to become the best version of myself? Am I worthy?

Baby

August 4, 2025, my third child arrived. Today I received congratulations from an individual I barely interacted with in the past 11 months. It was genuine, blunt, and reminded me to cherish the important family moments. To cherish the blessings we have as individuals and to not focus on the low moments in life. Especially if those moments are created by work.

We typically allow work to overshadow our true life. We take one work as the way of life. There is a saying, do you live to work or work to live. I have flipped back and forth between both aspects of this saying. I have come to realize, regardless, that saying needs to be pushed aside completely. Work in today’s society now keeps us so busy and on a path towards false fulfillment. There is an idea that work will bring happiness brainwashed into many of our minds. Work will not only provide security, and financial stability but is a way of living that will lead to happiness in some form.

I have come to realize, true happiness comes from following your true sense of self. If having a family and spending time with them makes you happy, prioritize this, if tacking spreadsheets and writing emails for 12 plus hours of your day makes you happy, focus on this, and if pairing homes for hours in silence makes you happy, focus on that for the day. Every individual gets to focus and choose what makes them happy and it can change day to day, week to week or year to year. There is no clear path or typical path towards happiness.

Having babies is one aspect of my life that makes me happy. Yes I am fortunate with my family and children, but it is one of many aspects of my life that contribute to me being who I am. Now, I can’t define who I am, and I chose not to define who I am because I am constantly changing.

My definition is not static but dynamic and my goals in life is to raise my babies to understand no one person can be defined. You do not need to define yourself but to only follow your true sense of self moments in time to achieve happiness.

Changes

How many changes and life curveballs can one person handle? Is resilience a positive attribute? Being patient is known as a key, likeable trait, but how much patience can one have before they start to crumble?

All things considered, I am moving forward, not backward, in today’s world. I count my blessings and check myself daily to see how I can improve. What steps and moves do I have to take to proceed further and not backward? While trying to do this, many life occurrences occur that stop me in my tracks and try to prevent me from moving forward. Friends and family joke that I have bad luck, and that if they were in my scenarios or situation, they would just stop. Every time I hear this or get a sense of woahs from others, I feel some type of way. It feels like pity, but interestingly enough, it makes me realize how resilient I am. They are aware of many life curveballs because they ask. I don’t call them to complain or anything, I just call because I want human interaction with friends and family. It leads into the typical, How was your day or What are you doing today, and I end up telling them. These changes are my life currently, a moment in time that apparently would stop most in their tracks, but I chose to get moving forward. Oddly enough, I don’t even hesitate but take steps without missing a beat to hit or dodge the curve ball coming at me full speed.

I am not sure what is in store for me, and I am not sure why so many curveballs are being thrown at me daily. I do know that my patience is dwindling, and I am trying everything in my power to keep level-headed. To not allow other people’s thoughts, wants, desires, issues, or grievances stop me or change me. This is the hardest part in my life right now, to not mold my path based on others. To not take on other people’s emotions as my own, and change my choices based on others’ feelings, insecurities, or their own demons they are battling with.

I can not bend to others to battle these life changes and move forward for my family and me. Even if I love them and they love me.

Unforseen Relationships

We crave comfort, challenges, love, touch, truth, emotional connection, and safety. The list of items we crave is endless. Endless because it is unique to each individual. My mind, body, and soul crave different things at different times, and I switch gears daily. I am only one entity, I am only one human, but my cravings are endless.

Currently, I am joined with another entity, my third child. This child was unforeseen, its cravings are unforeseen, and its arrival into this world is unforeseen. My relationship with this baby has already begun while it is nestled in my womb. A relationship that is different from any of my other relationships. It has yet to join me in our world, and it is past 40 weeks of the growth process. I crave to meet the little one, and the baby craves comfort in my womb. It scares me that the baby has yet to come join us, and it scares me every day it finds comfort in me. I have tried many natural ways to induce, but this baby has other plans for us. It is hard, but I have to trust the process. I have to trust this baby will know when it is right for us to meet.

Meeting someone new who will impact your life is unpredictable. Conceiving this third child was unpredictable, and the day I get to meet them is now uncertain. This leads me to explain a thought that is tossing around my mind. The thought that all relationships we have with one another are unforeseen. We will never know who will come across our paths and make a difference to our mind, body, or soul. There are some relationships I have that were conceived before I was even born through family connections. Some relationships grew over time as I grew up, some that are new, some that disappeared over the years, and are now just memories. The relationships that are now close to me, I never thought would be the people in my life. Then there are relationships I thought were going to last forever that have now disappeared. I crave relationships as to many. But which ones are the right ones to have? Which ones should I chase after, which ones should I hold dear, which ones should I let go, and which ones should I fight for? All of these questions that I will never know the answer to until life occurs. Just like the question, when will I meet this baby? Something I can not control, but only have faith I will meet them when the time is right.

People will come in and out of my life when they are supposed to, but it is what I learn from those relationships and gain from them, is that matters. I only hope my connections to those I cross paths with assist in their cravings and their life path instead of hindering them.