writing – Nobody-Default

Light vs Dark

The saying “things are not black and white, there are gray areas,” is tossing around in my mind daily at this point. Yes, there can be gray areas, but when it comes to pure human empathy, I only see a clear yes or no. Even with the simplest daily events, such as holding doors open for others, the course of action should be, yes, keep the door open. Or even getting in a Lyft, say good morning to the driver, and acknowledge them, they are people. Jumping into a car without a simple hello takes away a simple human connection. Perhaps the dismissal of these acts of kindness has turned the world into what it has become, a world where there is a division.

History shows there was always a division, light vs dark, black vs white, old vs young, and even different cultures against one another. There seems to always be a divide in some aspect or another. But the definition of insanity is repeating the same acts over and over again. Have we as humans forgotten the past and not learned from it? Do we not see how darkness is encroaching on us as a human race again? Holding a door open or saying good morning is so minuscule to what is actually occurring. People are being ripped away from their loved ones for no reason, taken away from their homes, and sent to locations to suffer for no reason. Americans are once again choosing to be blind. We are allowing the darkness to take over and not shine any form of light on reality. Even if we are shown the reality, we turn a blind eye and choose to be in the dark. We are allowing history to repeat itself, and I don’t understand why.

Why have we allowed one man or a segment of people to perpetrate inhuman practices? Have we not learned from the Holocaust or the countless other times in history where locking up humans just because they are different is sadistic? Did we not learn that allowing powerful people to run our media and news causes our voices to be squashed? It is still unclear to me why the darkness is taking over again in history. To me, it is simple: if it hurts another, don’t do it. Take the small steps to help others; those small smiles, hellos, and helping hands can ripple into human connections that have been extinguished. We need to open our eyes again and realize we allowed the dark to overtake the light. Is it because of power, or money? No, it seems like we are choosing to ignore reality once again. We have consumed ourselves with so much static noise to see what truly matters, being decent to one another.

I know I can do more to help others, but I am scared that everything I have worked so hard for will be taken away. I have allowed fear to prevent helping others that I know are being mistreated. I finally have a warm home, health insurance, and a stable income for my family, and I am scared that it will be taken away if I attempt to help others. How can I help and maintain safety for the ones I love? How do I allow my light to shine on others without allowing the darkness into my home? For now, it is smiles, connections, sending money here and there, allowing others to cry on my shoulder, and reaching out to those I know need a helping hand in my local circle.

There is no gray area on how to treat others, but there are limitations on how and how much we can help. I honestly wish we were not repeating history and had learned from our past selves. Why have we ended up here again as a human race?

Changes

How many changes and life curveballs can one person handle? Is resilience a positive attribute? Being patient is known as a key, likeable trait, but how much patience can one have before they start to crumble?

All things considered, I am moving forward, not backward, in today’s world. I count my blessings and check myself daily to see how I can improve. What steps and moves do I have to take to proceed further and not backward? While trying to do this, many life occurrences occur that stop me in my tracks and try to prevent me from moving forward. Friends and family joke that I have bad luck, and that if they were in my scenarios or situation, they would just stop. Every time I hear this or get a sense of woahs from others, I feel some type of way. It feels like pity, but interestingly enough, it makes me realize how resilient I am. They are aware of many life curveballs because they ask. I don’t call them to complain or anything, I just call because I want human interaction with friends and family. It leads into the typical, How was your day or What are you doing today, and I end up telling them. These changes are my life currently, a moment in time that apparently would stop most in their tracks, but I chose to get moving forward. Oddly enough, I don’t even hesitate but take steps without missing a beat to hit or dodge the curve ball coming at me full speed.

I am not sure what is in store for me, and I am not sure why so many curveballs are being thrown at me daily. I do know that my patience is dwindling, and I am trying everything in my power to keep level-headed. To not allow other people’s thoughts, wants, desires, issues, or grievances stop me or change me. This is the hardest part in my life right now, to not mold my path based on others. To not take on other people’s emotions as my own, and change my choices based on others’ feelings, insecurities, or their own demons they are battling with.

I can not bend to others to battle these life changes and move forward for my family and me. Even if I love them and they love me.

Unforseen Relationships

We crave comfort, challenges, love, touch, truth, emotional connection, and safety. The list of items we crave is endless. Endless because it is unique to each individual. My mind, body, and soul crave different things at different times, and I switch gears daily. I am only one entity, I am only one human, but my cravings are endless.

Currently, I am joined with another entity, my third child. This child was unforeseen, its cravings are unforeseen, and its arrival into this world is unforeseen. My relationship with this baby has already begun while it is nestled in my womb. A relationship that is different from any of my other relationships. It has yet to join me in our world, and it is past 40 weeks of the growth process. I crave to meet the little one, and the baby craves comfort in my womb. It scares me that the baby has yet to come join us, and it scares me every day it finds comfort in me. I have tried many natural ways to induce, but this baby has other plans for us. It is hard, but I have to trust the process. I have to trust this baby will know when it is right for us to meet.

Meeting someone new who will impact your life is unpredictable. Conceiving this third child was unpredictable, and the day I get to meet them is now uncertain. This leads me to explain a thought that is tossing around my mind. The thought that all relationships we have with one another are unforeseen. We will never know who will come across our paths and make a difference to our mind, body, or soul. There are some relationships I have that were conceived before I was even born through family connections. Some relationships grew over time as I grew up, some that are new, some that disappeared over the years, and are now just memories. The relationships that are now close to me, I never thought would be the people in my life. Then there are relationships I thought were going to last forever that have now disappeared. I crave relationships as to many. But which ones are the right ones to have? Which ones should I chase after, which ones should I hold dear, which ones should I let go, and which ones should I fight for? All of these questions that I will never know the answer to until life occurs. Just like the question, when will I meet this baby? Something I can not control, but only have faith I will meet them when the time is right.

People will come in and out of my life when they are supposed to, but it is what I learn from those relationships and gain from them, is that matters. I only hope my connections to those I cross paths with assist in their cravings and their life path instead of hindering them.

Uneasy Paths

The past few weeks, I was challenged with many hard decisions. Some of which, I realized were the wrong decision, but ultimately I learned from them. Because of the daily life chaos of pregnancy, running a home, a full-time job, volunteering, and dealing with contractors for our new home, I started to lose clarity and a sense of self. This lead to quick decisions that lead me down the wrong paths.

I just got off a call with a former colleague I met once at a company gathering. This was our second call to discuss life, the world, and ultimately self-care. She is not from the US and is also living in another country; her story and her sense of outreach are truly inspiring. The topic today that we randomly landed on was listening to the universe knocking on our doors to go down a path that we might never have thought of or would want to take. It is scary to put yourself out there, become vulnerable, and try to help others, especially in today’s climate. Here she is doing all of this by speaking amongst high schoolers in another country and teaching them to speak their truths and find their voices. When I learned this, I had goose bumps surge through me as one. I was so excited for her, but I also realized the sense of fear I had for her also rushed over me. There is still fear to speak openly, and I fear that others who choose to have courage and speak their truths will get harmed. She is going down an uneasy path that appeared two months ago as a request from a teacher. She was not looking to speak with young teens to encourage them to utilize their voices for good. Someone reached out to her to become an advocate.

It is hard to listen to knocks on your door. It is even harder to not get overwhelmed and leave space to be open to new paths that are being presented to you. We can get so unaware and caught up in our own daily life concerns, that we might miss the bigger picture to help others around us. The small amounts of generosity and willingness to listen can go a long way. It will have a rippling effect to make changes for either one person or a mass of people who are struggling. At least that is my small sense of hope I have right now, among my daily chaos, and the realization of the pure chaos the US and the world are facing right now.

I am going to challenge myself to be aware of the uneasy paths presented to me in hopes of spreading more good towards those who may want or need it.

Insightful or Venting

We all know I started posting for selfish reasons. To get the thoughts out of my brain onto ‘paper’ as oddly enough it is easier for me to type instead of write now. I used to write so much when I was a kid but sadly had to stop due to others finding my writings and getting angry about them. Now I am an adult who works in tech and can type faster then I can write. This makes me sad and concerned.

My anxiety and worry is fluctuating off the charts lately and it is hard to keep them all in line. I didn’t even realize I was concerned about my writing capabilities until I just typed it. My brain is bouncing all over the place and I think it is interesting that there are a few people reading and enjoying the posts. To be honest I am not sure they are insightful or they are just a way for me to vent. To get things on ‘paper’ instead of continuously circling around in my brain.

I have so many things in my life to be happy about but for some reason I can not stop the negative, sad thoughts that spring out of now where. For today, there is a family funeral I am unable to attend since I am overseas in a different country. I am sad I am not there with my family and there are so many worries that keep coming across my mind. Meanwhile there is nothing I can really do besides go for a walk, take a shower, take care of the kids, and head into work. I called and talked to a few key family members but it is not the same as being present in person.

Going for a power walk really helped and sweating out the concerns really helped but now sitting at my desk preparing for what feels like a ‘normal’ day just seems awkward and I feel guilty. I have made my peace with their passing already but not peace with not being there for my sibling, cousins, step-mom and dad. I know they are fine without me being there but I also know they have all expressed that they wish I was with them.

Tis the life of someone who choose to move from home, marry a person not from the united states, and inspiring to build a better future for our kids. I am hoping this journey and path I am taking will be worth it but who the hell knows. Only time will tell and if I succeed at my goals, then I will know taking a different path then what I was told was correct, will be worth it. I sure hope putting down a pen for a keyboard will be fruitful. But man do I miss my roots.

Staying Stable

The past few days have challenge me in many new ways. Yes, I am nobody, but I am also a mom of two, pregnant with my third, a full-time worker who carries the weight of main bread-winner, and currently in a different country for the month to support my husbands career. On top of that, there was a family emergency back home that I can’t be there for besides be emotionally supportive over text, phones calls, and video calls. How am I staying stable?

This is something I question pretty much every hour. I try to remember that everything happens for a reason. I remind my self there is some form of higher power out there. Now whether that is a god(s), mother nature, or some other ultimate entity, I oddly have a sense of faith that things happen for a reason.

The past few years I have been trying to connect with not only myself of self but be aware of ‘energies’ and rely on all my senses. This has been extremely helpful lately in grounding myself. I stabilize myself by pulling the energy off of my innocent children who are LOVING the environment we are currently living in. Seeing their pure joy and happiness makes me happy. I draw energy from not only the natural environment of listening to the wind during the brief breaks I take outside but also feeling the different vibes the community exudes around me as I pick up necessary items from the local grocery store.

Being present in small moments and connecting with what is occurring around me makes me whole and stable. I don’t have many people I am able to lean on presently in my life but I am learning to lean on my senses. To use the world around me to stabilize my the emotional roller coaster and life occurrences I am currently on. Writing on this platform to get out my thoughts from a high-level approach also assists. There are many ways to reach out for stabilization in ones life. We just have to be up for the challenge and be willing to try different approaches. It has been a really tough couple of weeks but ultimately I am surviving and I am proud of the growth I have taken as a single entity.

Left not Knowing from Right

Life is so complex, daunting, scary, fun, and just a big bag of unknowns. Not knowing what path to take, not knowing if the choices you are making on a daily basis are the correct ones. In the end, your life and your choices impact not only yourself but the people around you. Observing how I carry myself while living around many different people, from different cultures, ethnicities, backgrounds, and overall different perspectives, I have come to realize how much we impact one another.

We feed off one another like one living organism trying to find food, and comfort on the way to survival. It is an odd way to think about it but honestly I am surprised by other’s reactions, even strangers, from simple common interactions I may have with them. I am just trying to survive as well in this crazy world and figure out my identity and make sure I choose a path that will lead to my children’s and families success. But I have noticed, it is better to live with the wholistic thriving organism instead of hiding myself and my family to just a certain group.

Sharing the small wins in life, being empathetic, and overall treating others with decent respect along your life journey can cause a huge ripple affect. Whether if you are aware of it or not. Take a moment, and extend a hand no matter which one it might be. Live life and simultaneously raise others up by living with them. There is so much good in this world even though it appears to being damning right now in today’s climate.

It is hard to keep focus on the good and focus on the different hands life dealt us. Left hand is doing one thing while the right hand doing something completely different. One thing I know for sure is to start focusing on the small good items in the life that both paths or hands are dealing with and try to bring them together in synergy. Extremely hard but possible!