Tag: self-improvement

Global Thoughts

Reading is an act of passion, leisure, a source of knowledge, and an act of gaining power. Reading is a gateway for me to activate my mind in ways that most interactions with people can not accomplish.

The latest book I am reading, opens up so many insights on past work interactions that were so confusing and triggering. Now I realize those interactions were unavoidable. Not due to my actions but because society has created a work where women have to constantly consider others to thrive at work.

I am now aware of the phrase, “think globally and think globally”. Something a woman has to be skilled at in order to get ahead. They have to not only think of themselves but also make sure to insert themselves in a we manner so they are even considered. Something I naturally do. I am constantly creating teams, speaking in ‘we’ format, and orchestrating collaboration efforts to push ‘selfish’ agendas. But is it selfish or a survival mechanism in order to gain what I believe I deserve or what I believe makes sense?

To be honest this new phrase and understanding is now making my brain hurt. I now understand why it is so exhausting for me to be a part of the business world and why I hate promotions. Why I hate being seen but in order to make more money for my family to survive the economy I have to be seen. I have to accept promotions that allow me to ‘climb the corporate ladders.’ A ladder I honestly do not want to climb because it is exhausting having to strategical charter conversations that are simple but due to my gender are difficult to have.

I never realized how many of my mannerisms and way of speech are dictated by trying to survive in a man’s space. Now that I am reading this book, I am learning a great deal about my behaviors and realizing that I am not alone. It is a global issue that women have to think globally and locally to not only protect themselves but also to thrive. While men are able to use terminology freely and still get ahead. They don’t have to build a team to show their ideas will work. They are heard on the pure luck they were born male.

I am learning so much, and I am grateful that I have decided to read again. Do I have time to read, no. But am I going to make it a priority to get back into my reading habits, yes. I realize, keeping my mind active and relevant will benefit not only myself but my family. My first consciousness acts of thinking and behaving globally and locally.

The more I read, the more clarity, knowledge, and power I will have to thrive in this world. To not only be successful for myself but also for my family.

Lean into Fear

Every day I am reminded that I am responsible for other people’s lives, my children. With my newborn, I am reminded every hour to two hours to feed him. Living to take care of others is both a blessing and a curse as it brings you both joy and insanity.

Trying to stay sane is oddly easy for me. Many people, including myself, thought I was going to battle with postpartum depression. I know I have it, but it’s not as severe as expected. Especially since I am quarantining with me and my baby in a house all by ourselves for the first couple of weeks of his life. Sadly my other kids got sick and one was hospitalized. So to protect our newborn, we decided to divide and conquer. My husband takes care of our other two sick kids at his sister’s house and I quarantine with our newborn at our unfinished home.

I miss my family and I miss my other kids. Although I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I find myself listening to the sound of the wind and insects outside. Or listening to my own thoughts for hours at a time. Last night, I realized it had been over a week since I touched a computer or a TV.  I thought not being surrounded by my loved ones in a new place would trigger my depression. Crazy enough, I think it is preventing it.

Reverting back to quiet, listening to nature, and being alone with my own thoughts is now preventing depression. I used to hate being alone. I feared it because my mind would spiral down scary paths. Paths of sadness, emptiness, and even suicidal thoughts. Years ago, I decided to lean into this fear of being alone with my thoughts. I no longer wanted to keep busy and ignore my mind or feelings. I wanted to make peace with myself and live in peace. So it was a goal of mine to become whole again by being content with myself in every aspect: mind, body, and spirit.

This journey is difficult and it scared me plenty of times to be alone. Though being thrown into quarantine with my newborn showed me that I have accomplished being content with my mind. Something I was once scared of, I now find peace in my thoughts. Yes, my demons come back every so often but I am now strong enough to fight them on my own. I leaned into my own fear and now I am not scared of myself but rather proud. My mind is at peace and now I need to focus on my body and spirit.

Diversify

The economy is always changing and those who adapt normally stay safe. Safe from being left to catch up, and safe from financial ruin. Learning to adapt quickly is a skill set that many people don’t recognize. The other useful skill is having the foresight to realize that staying in the same routine will cause turmoil.

Knowing when you have reached the end and there are no more growth opportunities is difficult to notice. Leaving that situation or even attempting to modify it slightly to open up possibilities is the hard part. The hardest thing to do is figuring out a way to keep the current position but branching out to other opportunities to diversify. Diversify your income, your sanity, your mental capacity and overall challenge yourself to break out of the comfort zone.

I am busting out of my comfort zone. My friends are helping me a bit but I am still doing it. I was challenged the past few years to start drawing again. A creative outlet I left many years ago. Something that I used to love that others ruined for me by fighting on who got to keep me art and telling me I had to draw a certain way. Now, I am challenged once again, a few years later, to pick up my pencils and draw. I am scared shitless but I am going to try and help a friend who requested illustrations for her children’s book.

Now, art has always been part of my life growing up. I would not only draw and paint in sketch pads but I would also paint while fixing up homes. My first memory of painting trim was when I was about 7 or 8. Oddly enough I found it extremely relaxing. Just how it used to be relaxing to draw and paint for fun. Recently I got to cut a few rooms and paint some trim. Man did this take me back. I immediately felt at ease, relaxed, and happy. Something I have not felt in a long time when it came to ‘painting’. So here I am now thinking of how I can get back out there, market myself, and paint people’s rooms for a profit. Not only will it give me some peace of mind,  it will bring in some financial support for my family and will keep my diverse skills sharp. I am now even thinking about making cakes for kids birthday parties. Something else I used to love doing was decorating cakes with my fathers ex-girlfriend. We would sit for hours decorating holiday and birthday cakes. She taught me how to pipe icing and a few other tricks.

All of these skills have laid dormant for over a decade. Hell I think it may have been two decades. But recently they have been emerging because of my kids. Friends and family members are noticing my creative side as they see my sketches I do with my kids, and the cakes I create for them and my nephews. So now I have friends and family members requesting I make their cakes and even illustrate their books. It is scary being noticed for something you not only walked away from but also hide for so many years of your life.

I am realizing tho, that the tech job market is no longer the safest route. The safest route is realizing the economy is shifting again, and I need to shift with it. This time instead of leaving one profession for another. I plan to juggle diversify my professional portfolio and call up on my dormant skills of being an artist.

Don’t you want to be a leader?

This question has been thrown in my face way too many times. Oddly enough, I was told I was going to be a leader by the same person who called me an insignificant little bitch. I was not only told these two phrases but got constant whiplash between following in their footsteps to lead but also to be held down by that same individual.

The skills to lead, observe, and articulate are all positive skills passed down. The skills to manipulate, argue to the point of submission, and read other people’s body language against them were other skills I was taught. These skills though I realized are not necessarily negative but skills I have to use with caution. Skills I have to hide from others. It is interesting how many companies and people have seen these different skills I possess, and try to harness them for their benefit. It is funny how many of them say the same question, “Don’t you want to be a leader?” When they realize I no longer want the same path for myself that they laid out for me.

I don’t want to be a leader. I want to live a simple life and provide for my family. I want to enjoy and bask in the simple things. I want to stop and smell the roses. I want to cherish moments with my children. I want to provide them with financial, and emotional stability. Man there are a ton of ‘i want’ in this paragraph.

Why do so many people see me on a leadership path when I don’t want this for myself? How do I keep ending up with this same question over and over again in different forms? Is there a way to be a leader to help others, balance my skill sets for justice purposes, and cherish my family and simple things in life? Is this obtainable?

Fear and Realization

Lately, I have come to realize that fear holds many of us back, including myself, to become the best versions of ourselves. Fear prevented me from writing anymore. I was scared others, besides a trusted friend, were reading my intimate thoughts and feeling. Complete strangers were seeing a side of me many I hold dear to me barely ever see. I have realized though that I want to move past my fears, big or small. I want to become the best version of myself no matter other peoples concerns, opinions, or my owner inner fears.

It is amazing how the hardest thing to do in life is battling with myself on a daily basis. Even in today’s world with the political and environmental climate, I still struggle with my inner thoughts and fear multiple times a day. I have to tell myself, I am lucky, I am loved, I am worthy, and to keep moving forward. To most this might sound a bit silly since there are so many other devasting occurrences that have occurred and are occurring. But, my inner battle to face the world and be apart of it, is my hardest challenge and biggest fear to conquer.

To overcome these insecurities and fear, I decided to write down what I want from myself. Things that no one else can help me with and hold myself accountable. Now this list I have accumulates is not an easy task, is daunting, and will take years to accomplish but I have seen small changes already in my daily life. It is my reset in mentality that I was needing to start really living life instead of just walking through the motions and allowing my fear hold me back.

I am on this journey, no one else, and I am the only one who can make the change, no one else and the fear of others’ opinions will not stop me.