Tag: mindfulness

Global Thoughts

Reading is an act of passion, leisure, a source of knowledge, and an act of gaining power. Reading is a gateway for me to activate my mind in ways that most interactions with people can not accomplish.

The latest book I am reading, opens up so many insights on past work interactions that were so confusing and triggering. Now I realize those interactions were unavoidable. Not due to my actions but because society has created a work where women have to constantly consider others to thrive at work.

I am now aware of the phrase, “think globally and think globally”. Something a woman has to be skilled at in order to get ahead. They have to not only think of themselves but also make sure to insert themselves in a we manner so they are even considered. Something I naturally do. I am constantly creating teams, speaking in ‘we’ format, and orchestrating collaboration efforts to push ‘selfish’ agendas. But is it selfish or a survival mechanism in order to gain what I believe I deserve or what I believe makes sense?

To be honest this new phrase and understanding is now making my brain hurt. I now understand why it is so exhausting for me to be a part of the business world and why I hate promotions. Why I hate being seen but in order to make more money for my family to survive the economy I have to be seen. I have to accept promotions that allow me to ‘climb the corporate ladders.’ A ladder I honestly do not want to climb because it is exhausting having to strategical charter conversations that are simple but due to my gender are difficult to have.

I never realized how many of my mannerisms and way of speech are dictated by trying to survive in a man’s space. Now that I am reading this book, I am learning a great deal about my behaviors and realizing that I am not alone. It is a global issue that women have to think globally and locally to not only protect themselves but also to thrive. While men are able to use terminology freely and still get ahead. They don’t have to build a team to show their ideas will work. They are heard on the pure luck they were born male.

I am learning so much, and I am grateful that I have decided to read again. Do I have time to read, no. But am I going to make it a priority to get back into my reading habits, yes. I realize, keeping my mind active and relevant will benefit not only myself but my family. My first consciousness acts of thinking and behaving globally and locally.

The more I read, the more clarity, knowledge, and power I will have to thrive in this world. To not only be successful for myself but also for my family.

Lean into Fear

Every day I am reminded that I am responsible for other people’s lives, my children. With my newborn, I am reminded every hour to two hours to feed him. Living to take care of others is both a blessing and a curse as it brings you both joy and insanity.

Trying to stay sane is oddly easy for me. Many people, including myself, thought I was going to battle with postpartum depression. I know I have it, but it’s not as severe as expected. Especially since I am quarantining with me and my baby in a house all by ourselves for the first couple of weeks of his life. Sadly my other kids got sick and one was hospitalized. So to protect our newborn, we decided to divide and conquer. My husband takes care of our other two sick kids at his sister’s house and I quarantine with our newborn at our unfinished home.

I miss my family and I miss my other kids. Although I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I find myself listening to the sound of the wind and insects outside. Or listening to my own thoughts for hours at a time. Last night, I realized it had been over a week since I touched a computer or a TV.  I thought not being surrounded by my loved ones in a new place would trigger my depression. Crazy enough, I think it is preventing it.

Reverting back to quiet, listening to nature, and being alone with my own thoughts is now preventing depression. I used to hate being alone. I feared it because my mind would spiral down scary paths. Paths of sadness, emptiness, and even suicidal thoughts. Years ago, I decided to lean into this fear of being alone with my thoughts. I no longer wanted to keep busy and ignore my mind or feelings. I wanted to make peace with myself and live in peace. So it was a goal of mine to become whole again by being content with myself in every aspect: mind, body, and spirit.

This journey is difficult and it scared me plenty of times to be alone. Though being thrown into quarantine with my newborn showed me that I have accomplished being content with my mind. Something I was once scared of, I now find peace in my thoughts. Yes, my demons come back every so often but I am now strong enough to fight them on my own. I leaned into my own fear and now I am not scared of myself but rather proud. My mind is at peace and now I need to focus on my body and spirit.

Diversify

The economy is always changing and those who adapt normally stay safe. Safe from being left to catch up, and safe from financial ruin. Learning to adapt quickly is a skill set that many people don’t recognize. The other useful skill is having the foresight to realize that staying in the same routine will cause turmoil.

Knowing when you have reached the end and there are no more growth opportunities is difficult to notice. Leaving that situation or even attempting to modify it slightly to open up possibilities is the hard part. The hardest thing to do is figuring out a way to keep the current position but branching out to other opportunities to diversify. Diversify your income, your sanity, your mental capacity and overall challenge yourself to break out of the comfort zone.

I am busting out of my comfort zone. My friends are helping me a bit but I am still doing it. I was challenged the past few years to start drawing again. A creative outlet I left many years ago. Something that I used to love that others ruined for me by fighting on who got to keep me art and telling me I had to draw a certain way. Now, I am challenged once again, a few years later, to pick up my pencils and draw. I am scared shitless but I am going to try and help a friend who requested illustrations for her children’s book.

Now, art has always been part of my life growing up. I would not only draw and paint in sketch pads but I would also paint while fixing up homes. My first memory of painting trim was when I was about 7 or 8. Oddly enough I found it extremely relaxing. Just how it used to be relaxing to draw and paint for fun. Recently I got to cut a few rooms and paint some trim. Man did this take me back. I immediately felt at ease, relaxed, and happy. Something I have not felt in a long time when it came to ‘painting’. So here I am now thinking of how I can get back out there, market myself, and paint people’s rooms for a profit. Not only will it give me some peace of mind,  it will bring in some financial support for my family and will keep my diverse skills sharp. I am now even thinking about making cakes for kids birthday parties. Something else I used to love doing was decorating cakes with my fathers ex-girlfriend. We would sit for hours decorating holiday and birthday cakes. She taught me how to pipe icing and a few other tricks.

All of these skills have laid dormant for over a decade. Hell I think it may have been two decades. But recently they have been emerging because of my kids. Friends and family members are noticing my creative side as they see my sketches I do with my kids, and the cakes I create for them and my nephews. So now I have friends and family members requesting I make their cakes and even illustrate their books. It is scary being noticed for something you not only walked away from but also hide for so many years of your life.

I am realizing tho, that the tech job market is no longer the safest route. The safest route is realizing the economy is shifting again, and I need to shift with it. This time instead of leaving one profession for another. I plan to juggle diversify my professional portfolio and call up on my dormant skills of being an artist.

Don’t you want to be a leader?

This question has been thrown in my face way too many times. Oddly enough, I was told I was going to be a leader by the same person who called me an insignificant little bitch. I was not only told these two phrases but got constant whiplash between following in their footsteps to lead but also to be held down by that same individual.

The skills to lead, observe, and articulate are all positive skills passed down. The skills to manipulate, argue to the point of submission, and read other people’s body language against them were other skills I was taught. These skills though I realized are not necessarily negative but skills I have to use with caution. Skills I have to hide from others. It is interesting how many companies and people have seen these different skills I possess, and try to harness them for their benefit. It is funny how many of them say the same question, “Don’t you want to be a leader?” When they realize I no longer want the same path for myself that they laid out for me.

I don’t want to be a leader. I want to live a simple life and provide for my family. I want to enjoy and bask in the simple things. I want to stop and smell the roses. I want to cherish moments with my children. I want to provide them with financial, and emotional stability. Man there are a ton of ‘i want’ in this paragraph.

Why do so many people see me on a leadership path when I don’t want this for myself? How do I keep ending up with this same question over and over again in different forms? Is there a way to be a leader to help others, balance my skill sets for justice purposes, and cherish my family and simple things in life? Is this obtainable?

Worthy

Insignificant bitch, you know nothing, you are worthless, you have not learned, you will never know, you will never understand, you are worthless. These phrases I was told at least once or multiple times as I grew up. Yes, these sharp knives thrown at me were targeted due to a lack of self-control and rage, but as a child, they affected me. To this day, these phrases cast over me and affect my state of being. They even affect my marriage and overall my daily self-worth.

Today, I realized I still carry these phrases with me. I feel worthless daily and I don’t think highly of myself. Many others have described me in the exact opposite and have even shown me how I am not worthless. For some reason, I carry one and react as if I am insignificant and my opinion, thoughts, and emotions do not matter as much as others.

I can’t believe one person’s words from over twenty years ago still restrain my mind and emotions from moving forward. I realized I truly believe other people’s opinions, thoughts, and emotions outrank mine in all aspects. I realized my default is to think I am wrong and they are right. That I do not matter, and in the end, it is better to either need the other person or to seek escape.

Interestingly enough, many people see me as stubborn, resilient, an advocate, and one who, in the end, is persistent. Yes, I do carry those attributes, but my core is not worthy.

How do I become worthy of myself and not for others? How do I break the shackles of my past? Do I fight for myself, take the challenges I fear to take to become the best version of myself? Am I worthy?

Decision Making

It was advised to write if you are overthinking. Welp, I am definitely overthinking EVERYTHING right now. There are so many moving parts and paths that it is hard to keep everything aligned. Yes, I keep lists and prioritize items for daily, weekly, and even monthly tasks, but there are other variables at play. Many things that are out of my control completely. For instance, when my third child comes. When the little one decides to come into this world, it is completely out of my hands. My due date is not until the end of July, but the baby has dropped, hormonal switches are occurring, and a few other indicators that the baby may grace us with their presence sooner rather than later.

This is something small in comparison to the toxic wars occurring in other countries and mothers losing their babies due to a lack of nutrition. Although, nonetheless, I am worried as it is too early. So, trying to rest as much as possible to prevent any early labor. Easier said than done when contractors are scamming us, we still have not moved into our new home, insurance companies are not processing items for our claim on time, family drama, two other children to take care of, continuing to work full time, and many other life duties. Every day, I have to choose to put aside the stressors of overthinking everything that needs to get done to rest for the baby I am carrying. To prevent my body from going into early labor due to stress. I have decided to slow down, put the baby and my health first. Honestly, it is hard! We can’t afford for me to stop working, and my husband’s job needs a ton of his attention, so our two kids both need us. Yes, he is doing everything in his power to make sure I can rest, but he can’t carry the burden and weight of everything. I see in his eyes how tired he has been, and I can see how stressed he is while he deals with talking to insurance and contractors about our new home. Overall, we both have to make the decisions in the end on where to spend money, if we get lawyers involved, since both the insurance company and contractors are legit taking advantage of the situation that was supposed to be completed in 2-3 weeks, but it has been over 2 months.

Adulting and decision-making are never an easy road. Not only is it stressful, but it is something no one can confirm or dictate the right choices. All of them are situation-dependent on your own life path and your family. I am learning, many people are not looking out for you or your family. Something I was taught while growing up, to not trust anyone but family. But here is the thing, even my own blood has not been helpful lately. The hardest decisions lately have been determining who I can and can not trust. This has led me to lean on my gut instincts more and more lately, and so far, that is leading me down a path I am not complaining about. Interestingly enough, the decisions become clearer when I slow down and become more aware of my gut instincts. I just need to listen.