Tag: mental-health

Whiplash

It is crazy how fast memories populate in your mind due to certain phrases, smells, colors, or series of events. My sister and her two girls got into a fender bender recently. They were all okay, and the girls did not even realize they were in a car accident. Thank goodness for car seats and my sister’s fast reaction.

The thought of her children having whiplash from a car accident caused a rush of emotions. My stomach turned into knots, and my heart ached. As I sat there and listened to my sister’s trauma, I tried to push down everything I was feeling. I wanted to be there for my sister. Although, as she spoke and confirmed she didn’t have her kids checked by EMT or doctors, I asked again if she and the girls were alright. I guess I had a certain fear in my voice, or maybe I asked too many times, but the roles switched into her comforting me. She then proceeded to ask why I was so concerned about a fender bender and whiplash on my niece’s. I took a breath and calmly explained how I was in two similar accidents, but our parents never got me checked. Now these accidents were more severe than a fender bender, and I was not protected by the car seats we have today for our children. In the end, my muscles, ligaments, and nerves took a hit that still causes me issues in my adult life.

I thought my sister would not inquire anymore and move on, but she asked about which accidents. I proceeded to tell her about both. Surprisingly she was in the car for one, but I did not remember her being in the front seat. Sure enough, she was shocked that I remembered the one we were in together and never told her about the second one.

Here is the kicker, both accidents I was with my parents and both times my parents were more concerned about optics than my safety. Or maybe they truly thought I was okay. But I was not physically fine from those accidents and I now know I am not emotionally okay either. I still have trauma over 30 years later to both my body and heart.

My sister was in a fender bender with her two girls. My mind flashed the image of my father’s face and his car hitting our gray minivan, right into the side where I was sitting. Not only did my body have whiplash from that day, but so did my mind and heart. Trauma I had no clue was buried came flashing back. Trauma both my sister and I carried separately all these years, now came into light. There were a few seconds of silence after we both realized we remembered that car accident amongst our parents. I immediately felt sadness that my sister was also in the minivan. But also validated as she confirmed it happened. That our father was crazy enough to hit the car that was carrying not only our mom but his two children.

I will never know what caused that accident that day. I will never ask my parents what they fought about or why my dad took drastic measures to stop our car. All I know is that in the past couple of days, I have been tearing up, thinking, I could never purposely cause an accident knowing my children are in the car. As a parent, I never want to cause my children any form of whiplash if I can avoid it. Why did my parents not protect my sister and I from physical and emotional whiplash? Why did it take us over 30 years to talk about this childhood memory? What other buried memories do I have that I share with my sister? All of these feelings and questions are weighing me down. All due to a fender bender that my nieces didn’t even realize happened. Thank goodness for car seats, and for my sister taking the steps to reinvent the wheel and protect her children.

Lean into Fear

Every day I am reminded that I am responsible for other people’s lives, my children. With my newborn, I am reminded every hour to two hours to feed him. Living to take care of others is both a blessing and a curse as it brings you both joy and insanity.

Trying to stay sane is oddly easy for me. Many people, including myself, thought I was going to battle with postpartum depression. I know I have it, but it’s not as severe as expected. Especially since I am quarantining with me and my baby in a house all by ourselves for the first couple of weeks of his life. Sadly my other kids got sick and one was hospitalized. So to protect our newborn, we decided to divide and conquer. My husband takes care of our other two sick kids at his sister’s house and I quarantine with our newborn at our unfinished home.

I miss my family and I miss my other kids. Although I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I find myself listening to the sound of the wind and insects outside. Or listening to my own thoughts for hours at a time. Last night, I realized it had been over a week since I touched a computer or a TV.  I thought not being surrounded by my loved ones in a new place would trigger my depression. Crazy enough, I think it is preventing it.

Reverting back to quiet, listening to nature, and being alone with my own thoughts is now preventing depression. I used to hate being alone. I feared it because my mind would spiral down scary paths. Paths of sadness, emptiness, and even suicidal thoughts. Years ago, I decided to lean into this fear of being alone with my thoughts. I no longer wanted to keep busy and ignore my mind or feelings. I wanted to make peace with myself and live in peace. So it was a goal of mine to become whole again by being content with myself in every aspect: mind, body, and spirit.

This journey is difficult and it scared me plenty of times to be alone. Though being thrown into quarantine with my newborn showed me that I have accomplished being content with my mind. Something I was once scared of, I now find peace in my thoughts. Yes, my demons come back every so often but I am now strong enough to fight them on my own. I leaned into my own fear and now I am not scared of myself but rather proud. My mind is at peace and now I need to focus on my body and spirit.

Worthy

Insignificant bitch, you know nothing, you are worthless, you have not learned, you will never know, you will never understand, you are worthless. These phrases I was told at least once or multiple times as I grew up. Yes, these sharp knives thrown at me were targeted due to a lack of self-control and rage, but as a child, they affected me. To this day, these phrases cast over me and affect my state of being. They even affect my marriage and overall my daily self-worth.

Today, I realized I still carry these phrases with me. I feel worthless daily and I don’t think highly of myself. Many others have described me in the exact opposite and have even shown me how I am not worthless. For some reason, I carry one and react as if I am insignificant and my opinion, thoughts, and emotions do not matter as much as others.

I can’t believe one person’s words from over twenty years ago still restrain my mind and emotions from moving forward. I realized I truly believe other people’s opinions, thoughts, and emotions outrank mine in all aspects. I realized my default is to think I am wrong and they are right. That I do not matter, and in the end, it is better to either need the other person or to seek escape.

Interestingly enough, many people see me as stubborn, resilient, an advocate, and one who, in the end, is persistent. Yes, I do carry those attributes, but my core is not worthy.

How do I become worthy of myself and not for others? How do I break the shackles of my past? Do I fight for myself, take the challenges I fear to take to become the best version of myself? Am I worthy?

Changes

How many changes and life curveballs can one person handle? Is resilience a positive attribute? Being patient is known as a key, likeable trait, but how much patience can one have before they start to crumble?

All things considered, I am moving forward, not backward, in today’s world. I count my blessings and check myself daily to see how I can improve. What steps and moves do I have to take to proceed further and not backward? While trying to do this, many life occurrences occur that stop me in my tracks and try to prevent me from moving forward. Friends and family joke that I have bad luck, and that if they were in my scenarios or situation, they would just stop. Every time I hear this or get a sense of woahs from others, I feel some type of way. It feels like pity, but interestingly enough, it makes me realize how resilient I am. They are aware of many life curveballs because they ask. I don’t call them to complain or anything, I just call because I want human interaction with friends and family. It leads into the typical, How was your day or What are you doing today, and I end up telling them. These changes are my life currently, a moment in time that apparently would stop most in their tracks, but I chose to get moving forward. Oddly enough, I don’t even hesitate but take steps without missing a beat to hit or dodge the curve ball coming at me full speed.

I am not sure what is in store for me, and I am not sure why so many curveballs are being thrown at me daily. I do know that my patience is dwindling, and I am trying everything in my power to keep level-headed. To not allow other people’s thoughts, wants, desires, issues, or grievances stop me or change me. This is the hardest part in my life right now, to not mold my path based on others. To not take on other people’s emotions as my own, and change my choices based on others’ feelings, insecurities, or their own demons they are battling with.

I can not bend to others to battle these life changes and move forward for my family and me. Even if I love them and they love me.

Unforseen Relationships

We crave comfort, challenges, love, touch, truth, emotional connection, and safety. The list of items we crave is endless. Endless because it is unique to each individual. My mind, body, and soul crave different things at different times, and I switch gears daily. I am only one entity, I am only one human, but my cravings are endless.

Currently, I am joined with another entity, my third child. This child was unforeseen, its cravings are unforeseen, and its arrival into this world is unforeseen. My relationship with this baby has already begun while it is nestled in my womb. A relationship that is different from any of my other relationships. It has yet to join me in our world, and it is past 40 weeks of the growth process. I crave to meet the little one, and the baby craves comfort in my womb. It scares me that the baby has yet to come join us, and it scares me every day it finds comfort in me. I have tried many natural ways to induce, but this baby has other plans for us. It is hard, but I have to trust the process. I have to trust this baby will know when it is right for us to meet.

Meeting someone new who will impact your life is unpredictable. Conceiving this third child was unpredictable, and the day I get to meet them is now uncertain. This leads me to explain a thought that is tossing around my mind. The thought that all relationships we have with one another are unforeseen. We will never know who will come across our paths and make a difference to our mind, body, or soul. There are some relationships I have that were conceived before I was even born through family connections. Some relationships grew over time as I grew up, some that are new, some that disappeared over the years, and are now just memories. The relationships that are now close to me, I never thought would be the people in my life. Then there are relationships I thought were going to last forever that have now disappeared. I crave relationships as to many. But which ones are the right ones to have? Which ones should I chase after, which ones should I hold dear, which ones should I let go, and which ones should I fight for? All of these questions that I will never know the answer to until life occurs. Just like the question, when will I meet this baby? Something I can not control, but only have faith I will meet them when the time is right.

People will come in and out of my life when they are supposed to, but it is what I learn from those relationships and gain from them, is that matters. I only hope my connections to those I cross paths with assist in their cravings and their life path instead of hindering them.

Decision Making

It was advised to write if you are overthinking. Welp, I am definitely overthinking EVERYTHING right now. There are so many moving parts and paths that it is hard to keep everything aligned. Yes, I keep lists and prioritize items for daily, weekly, and even monthly tasks, but there are other variables at play. Many things that are out of my control completely. For instance, when my third child comes. When the little one decides to come into this world, it is completely out of my hands. My due date is not until the end of July, but the baby has dropped, hormonal switches are occurring, and a few other indicators that the baby may grace us with their presence sooner rather than later.

This is something small in comparison to the toxic wars occurring in other countries and mothers losing their babies due to a lack of nutrition. Although, nonetheless, I am worried as it is too early. So, trying to rest as much as possible to prevent any early labor. Easier said than done when contractors are scamming us, we still have not moved into our new home, insurance companies are not processing items for our claim on time, family drama, two other children to take care of, continuing to work full time, and many other life duties. Every day, I have to choose to put aside the stressors of overthinking everything that needs to get done to rest for the baby I am carrying. To prevent my body from going into early labor due to stress. I have decided to slow down, put the baby and my health first. Honestly, it is hard! We can’t afford for me to stop working, and my husband’s job needs a ton of his attention, so our two kids both need us. Yes, he is doing everything in his power to make sure I can rest, but he can’t carry the burden and weight of everything. I see in his eyes how tired he has been, and I can see how stressed he is while he deals with talking to insurance and contractors about our new home. Overall, we both have to make the decisions in the end on where to spend money, if we get lawyers involved, since both the insurance company and contractors are legit taking advantage of the situation that was supposed to be completed in 2-3 weeks, but it has been over 2 months.

Adulting and decision-making are never an easy road. Not only is it stressful, but it is something no one can confirm or dictate the right choices. All of them are situation-dependent on your own life path and your family. I am learning, many people are not looking out for you or your family. Something I was taught while growing up, to not trust anyone but family. But here is the thing, even my own blood has not been helpful lately. The hardest decisions lately have been determining who I can and can not trust. This has led me to lean on my gut instincts more and more lately, and so far, that is leading me down a path I am not complaining about. Interestingly enough, the decisions become clearer when I slow down and become more aware of my gut instincts. I just need to listen.

Sickness

Diseases, illness, and sickness have been of interest to me lately. This all stems from me curled up on my bedroom floor, having a panic attack, while crying, and gasping to breathe because my nose was completely clogged. I was diagnosed with RSV a few weeks ago, and let me say, having RSV while pregnant is quite debilitating. Due to growing another human, I am unable to take medications to relieve or cure the RSV faster, and if you choose to do any research, you will see it takes longer for RSV to run its course if a woman is pregnant. Not to mention, while being pregnant, most of your O2 goes to the baby in the first place, so now I have two sources as to why it is challenging to breathe daily.

So I am lying there, trying to calm myself down, and mentally I am scared because I was worried I would not be able to catch my breath. I started to think of all these horrible thoughts, and this continued my anxiety attack to heighten. How did I resolve this attack on my own? I started to link how my anxiety and my mind are a disease. A disease that was genetically passed to me and my body was fighting off not only a sickness, RSV, but technically also a parasite, my baby. Yes, I know it is not socially acceptable to call babies parasites, but they technically are since they absorb and use all their mother’s nutrients and many other functional resources to grow.

I was fighting off so much in one moment, and my mind turned from harmful thoughts to scientific ones. Soon, I was thinking about how much my body was doing in those few minutes, and I started to calm down and breathe through my mouth, but I was still breathing. I was no longer panicking, gasping for air, or damaging my sense of self; I was fighting back.

This was a rock bottom moment for me, but I am truly happy I had it. From low moments, I realize how much I am grateful for just being alive. Being able to live life and cherish so many small, happy moments is why I stay present. Today is also a dear uncle’s anniversary of death via a brain aneurysm. His death was quick, unforeseen, and devastating. He was only 52 and left behind my 3 amazing cousins who have continued to impress me with their resilience and attitudes at conquering the world. I wish I could hear his laugh just one more time, since he was the happiest person I knew. Sadly, due to a family strife, I barely got to spend much time with him in his last few years of living, but I now plan to live life to the fullest as much as he did.

Depression, anxiety, RSV, and even pregnancy are all small moments in our lives. It is my job to remind myself that they do not control me, but are all sickness, illnesses, and/or diseases that I can overcome with time. I am here to live and enjoy life, not to give in to sicknesses that may try to bring me down.

Insightful or Venting

We all know I started posting for selfish reasons. To get the thoughts out of my brain onto ‘paper’ as oddly enough it is easier for me to type instead of write now. I used to write so much when I was a kid but sadly had to stop due to others finding my writings and getting angry about them. Now I am an adult who works in tech and can type faster then I can write. This makes me sad and concerned.

My anxiety and worry is fluctuating off the charts lately and it is hard to keep them all in line. I didn’t even realize I was concerned about my writing capabilities until I just typed it. My brain is bouncing all over the place and I think it is interesting that there are a few people reading and enjoying the posts. To be honest I am not sure they are insightful or they are just a way for me to vent. To get things on ‘paper’ instead of continuously circling around in my brain.

I have so many things in my life to be happy about but for some reason I can not stop the negative, sad thoughts that spring out of now where. For today, there is a family funeral I am unable to attend since I am overseas in a different country. I am sad I am not there with my family and there are so many worries that keep coming across my mind. Meanwhile there is nothing I can really do besides go for a walk, take a shower, take care of the kids, and head into work. I called and talked to a few key family members but it is not the same as being present in person.

Going for a power walk really helped and sweating out the concerns really helped but now sitting at my desk preparing for what feels like a ‘normal’ day just seems awkward and I feel guilty. I have made my peace with their passing already but not peace with not being there for my sibling, cousins, step-mom and dad. I know they are fine without me being there but I also know they have all expressed that they wish I was with them.

Tis the life of someone who choose to move from home, marry a person not from the united states, and inspiring to build a better future for our kids. I am hoping this journey and path I am taking will be worth it but who the hell knows. Only time will tell and if I succeed at my goals, then I will know taking a different path then what I was told was correct, will be worth it. I sure hope putting down a pen for a keyboard will be fruitful. But man do I miss my roots.

Pleasure and Pain

Balancing life is both pleasurable and painful all at the same time. There is a saying that nothing is worth while unless it is hard. Welp, life is hard but man are the pleasurable moments worth it.

My mind is constantly telling myself to keep going, that I don’t have it that bad, nothing compares to those fighting for their lives or those who do not have adequate resources. Then there is another part of me that wants to just toss in the towel and live in an area where fetching water from a well or a river is how to obtain your drinking, and washing water.

There are many types of pain; physical, mental, and emotional. All of which are rated and have a different scale for different individuals. No one person can dismiss your pain. No person can tell you something doesn’t hurt. There are so many variables and circumstances that can lead to pain. Whether it is big or small, pain is pain. But what happens if you are the one causing the never ending torture on yourself by choosing the same situations over and over that inflict the pain? It goes with out saying that insanity is repeating the same occurrence over and over again expecting different results. So how does one stop the pain?

I don’t have the right answers and hell I have not clue if I am on the right path to happiness and pleasure. What I do know is that I am experiencing more and more small pleasurable happy moments in a day then I have ever before. This reminds me that taking the big steps and large risks were worth it. Yes, do I still have a TON of fear, yes do I worry about to many items that are not in my control, and yes do I push myself through more ‘painful’ moments to gain those pleasurable moments, but in the end, it is worth it. Or I hope it will be worth it. The only thing I know is that there is no correct way to live life and if someone tells you or insinuates otherwise, they are lost themselves.

My ultimate goal is to find both a tolerable pain and pleasurable life balance so I can make my risks worth while. Step outside of my comfort zone to see a better life for the people I love, whether they notice it or not.

Staying Stable

The past few days have challenge me in many new ways. Yes, I am nobody, but I am also a mom of two, pregnant with my third, a full-time worker who carries the weight of main bread-winner, and currently in a different country for the month to support my husbands career. On top of that, there was a family emergency back home that I can’t be there for besides be emotionally supportive over text, phones calls, and video calls. How am I staying stable?

This is something I question pretty much every hour. I try to remember that everything happens for a reason. I remind my self there is some form of higher power out there. Now whether that is a god(s), mother nature, or some other ultimate entity, I oddly have a sense of faith that things happen for a reason.

The past few years I have been trying to connect with not only myself of self but be aware of ‘energies’ and rely on all my senses. This has been extremely helpful lately in grounding myself. I stabilize myself by pulling the energy off of my innocent children who are LOVING the environment we are currently living in. Seeing their pure joy and happiness makes me happy. I draw energy from not only the natural environment of listening to the wind during the brief breaks I take outside but also feeling the different vibes the community exudes around me as I pick up necessary items from the local grocery store.

Being present in small moments and connecting with what is occurring around me makes me whole and stable. I don’t have many people I am able to lean on presently in my life but I am learning to lean on my senses. To use the world around me to stabilize my the emotional roller coaster and life occurrences I am currently on. Writing on this platform to get out my thoughts from a high-level approach also assists. There are many ways to reach out for stabilization in ones life. We just have to be up for the challenge and be willing to try different approaches. It has been a really tough couple of weeks but ultimately I am surviving and I am proud of the growth I have taken as a single entity.