love – Nobody-Default

Worthy

Insignificant bitch, you know nothing, you are worthless, you have not learned, you will never know, you will never understand, you are worthless. These phrases I was told at least once or multiple times as I grew up. Yes, these sharp knives thrown at me were targeted due to a lack of self-control and rage, but as a child, they affected me. To this day, these phrases cast over me and affect my state of being. They even affect my marriage and overall my daily self-worth.

Today, I realized I still carry these phrases with me. I feel worthless daily and I don’t think highly of myself. Many others have described me in the exact opposite and have even shown me how I am not worthless. For some reason, I carry one and react as if I am insignificant and my opinion, thoughts, and emotions do not matter as much as others.

I can’t believe one person’s words from over twenty years ago still restrain my mind and emotions from moving forward. I realized I truly believe other people’s opinions, thoughts, and emotions outrank mine in all aspects. I realized my default is to think I am wrong and they are right. That I do not matter, and in the end, it is better to either need the other person or to seek escape.

Interestingly enough, many people see me as stubborn, resilient, an advocate, and one who, in the end, is persistent. Yes, I do carry those attributes, but my core is not worthy.

How do I become worthy of myself and not for others? How do I break the shackles of my past? Do I fight for myself, take the challenges I fear to take to become the best version of myself? Am I worthy?

Changes

How many changes and life curveballs can one person handle? Is resilience a positive attribute? Being patient is known as a key, likeable trait, but how much patience can one have before they start to crumble?

All things considered, I am moving forward, not backward, in today’s world. I count my blessings and check myself daily to see how I can improve. What steps and moves do I have to take to proceed further and not backward? While trying to do this, many life occurrences occur that stop me in my tracks and try to prevent me from moving forward. Friends and family joke that I have bad luck, and that if they were in my scenarios or situation, they would just stop. Every time I hear this or get a sense of woahs from others, I feel some type of way. It feels like pity, but interestingly enough, it makes me realize how resilient I am. They are aware of many life curveballs because they ask. I don’t call them to complain or anything, I just call because I want human interaction with friends and family. It leads into the typical, How was your day or What are you doing today, and I end up telling them. These changes are my life currently, a moment in time that apparently would stop most in their tracks, but I chose to get moving forward. Oddly enough, I don’t even hesitate but take steps without missing a beat to hit or dodge the curve ball coming at me full speed.

I am not sure what is in store for me, and I am not sure why so many curveballs are being thrown at me daily. I do know that my patience is dwindling, and I am trying everything in my power to keep level-headed. To not allow other people’s thoughts, wants, desires, issues, or grievances stop me or change me. This is the hardest part in my life right now, to not mold my path based on others. To not take on other people’s emotions as my own, and change my choices based on others’ feelings, insecurities, or their own demons they are battling with.

I can not bend to others to battle these life changes and move forward for my family and me. Even if I love them and they love me.

Unforseen Relationships

We crave comfort, challenges, love, touch, truth, emotional connection, and safety. The list of items we crave is endless. Endless because it is unique to each individual. My mind, body, and soul crave different things at different times, and I switch gears daily. I am only one entity, I am only one human, but my cravings are endless.

Currently, I am joined with another entity, my third child. This child was unforeseen, its cravings are unforeseen, and its arrival into this world is unforeseen. My relationship with this baby has already begun while it is nestled in my womb. A relationship that is different from any of my other relationships. It has yet to join me in our world, and it is past 40 weeks of the growth process. I crave to meet the little one, and the baby craves comfort in my womb. It scares me that the baby has yet to come join us, and it scares me every day it finds comfort in me. I have tried many natural ways to induce, but this baby has other plans for us. It is hard, but I have to trust the process. I have to trust this baby will know when it is right for us to meet.

Meeting someone new who will impact your life is unpredictable. Conceiving this third child was unpredictable, and the day I get to meet them is now uncertain. This leads me to explain a thought that is tossing around my mind. The thought that all relationships we have with one another are unforeseen. We will never know who will come across our paths and make a difference to our mind, body, or soul. There are some relationships I have that were conceived before I was even born through family connections. Some relationships grew over time as I grew up, some that are new, some that disappeared over the years, and are now just memories. The relationships that are now close to me, I never thought would be the people in my life. Then there are relationships I thought were going to last forever that have now disappeared. I crave relationships as to many. But which ones are the right ones to have? Which ones should I chase after, which ones should I hold dear, which ones should I let go, and which ones should I fight for? All of these questions that I will never know the answer to until life occurs. Just like the question, when will I meet this baby? Something I can not control, but only have faith I will meet them when the time is right.

People will come in and out of my life when they are supposed to, but it is what I learn from those relationships and gain from them, is that matters. I only hope my connections to those I cross paths with assist in their cravings and their life path instead of hindering them.

Decision Making

It was advised to write if you are overthinking. Welp, I am definitely overthinking EVERYTHING right now. There are so many moving parts and paths that it is hard to keep everything aligned. Yes, I keep lists and prioritize items for daily, weekly, and even monthly tasks, but there are other variables at play. Many things that are out of my control completely. For instance, when my third child comes. When the little one decides to come into this world, it is completely out of my hands. My due date is not until the end of July, but the baby has dropped, hormonal switches are occurring, and a few other indicators that the baby may grace us with their presence sooner rather than later.

This is something small in comparison to the toxic wars occurring in other countries and mothers losing their babies due to a lack of nutrition. Although, nonetheless, I am worried as it is too early. So, trying to rest as much as possible to prevent any early labor. Easier said than done when contractors are scamming us, we still have not moved into our new home, insurance companies are not processing items for our claim on time, family drama, two other children to take care of, continuing to work full time, and many other life duties. Every day, I have to choose to put aside the stressors of overthinking everything that needs to get done to rest for the baby I am carrying. To prevent my body from going into early labor due to stress. I have decided to slow down, put the baby and my health first. Honestly, it is hard! We can’t afford for me to stop working, and my husband’s job needs a ton of his attention, so our two kids both need us. Yes, he is doing everything in his power to make sure I can rest, but he can’t carry the burden and weight of everything. I see in his eyes how tired he has been, and I can see how stressed he is while he deals with talking to insurance and contractors about our new home. Overall, we both have to make the decisions in the end on where to spend money, if we get lawyers involved, since both the insurance company and contractors are legit taking advantage of the situation that was supposed to be completed in 2-3 weeks, but it has been over 2 months.

Adulting and decision-making are never an easy road. Not only is it stressful, but it is something no one can confirm or dictate the right choices. All of them are situation-dependent on your own life path and your family. I am learning, many people are not looking out for you or your family. Something I was taught while growing up, to not trust anyone but family. But here is the thing, even my own blood has not been helpful lately. The hardest decisions lately have been determining who I can and can not trust. This has led me to lean on my gut instincts more and more lately, and so far, that is leading me down a path I am not complaining about. Interestingly enough, the decisions become clearer when I slow down and become more aware of my gut instincts. I just need to listen.

Uneasy Paths

The past few weeks, I was challenged with many hard decisions. Some of which, I realized were the wrong decision, but ultimately I learned from them. Because of the daily life chaos of pregnancy, running a home, a full-time job, volunteering, and dealing with contractors for our new home, I started to lose clarity and a sense of self. This lead to quick decisions that lead me down the wrong paths.

I just got off a call with a former colleague I met once at a company gathering. This was our second call to discuss life, the world, and ultimately self-care. She is not from the US and is also living in another country; her story and her sense of outreach are truly inspiring. The topic today that we randomly landed on was listening to the universe knocking on our doors to go down a path that we might never have thought of or would want to take. It is scary to put yourself out there, become vulnerable, and try to help others, especially in today’s climate. Here she is doing all of this by speaking amongst high schoolers in another country and teaching them to speak their truths and find their voices. When I learned this, I had goose bumps surge through me as one. I was so excited for her, but I also realized the sense of fear I had for her also rushed over me. There is still fear to speak openly, and I fear that others who choose to have courage and speak their truths will get harmed. She is going down an uneasy path that appeared two months ago as a request from a teacher. She was not looking to speak with young teens to encourage them to utilize their voices for good. Someone reached out to her to become an advocate.

It is hard to listen to knocks on your door. It is even harder to not get overwhelmed and leave space to be open to new paths that are being presented to you. We can get so unaware and caught up in our own daily life concerns, that we might miss the bigger picture to help others around us. The small amounts of generosity and willingness to listen can go a long way. It will have a rippling effect to make changes for either one person or a mass of people who are struggling. At least that is my small sense of hope I have right now, among my daily chaos, and the realization of the pure chaos the US and the world are facing right now.

I am going to challenge myself to be aware of the uneasy paths presented to me in hopes of spreading more good towards those who may want or need it.

Pleasure and Pain

Balancing life is both pleasurable and painful all at the same time. There is a saying that nothing is worth while unless it is hard. Welp, life is hard but man are the pleasurable moments worth it.

My mind is constantly telling myself to keep going, that I don’t have it that bad, nothing compares to those fighting for their lives or those who do not have adequate resources. Then there is another part of me that wants to just toss in the towel and live in an area where fetching water from a well or a river is how to obtain your drinking, and washing water.

There are many types of pain; physical, mental, and emotional. All of which are rated and have a different scale for different individuals. No one person can dismiss your pain. No person can tell you something doesn’t hurt. There are so many variables and circumstances that can lead to pain. Whether it is big or small, pain is pain. But what happens if you are the one causing the never ending torture on yourself by choosing the same situations over and over that inflict the pain? It goes with out saying that insanity is repeating the same occurrence over and over again expecting different results. So how does one stop the pain?

I don’t have the right answers and hell I have not clue if I am on the right path to happiness and pleasure. What I do know is that I am experiencing more and more small pleasurable happy moments in a day then I have ever before. This reminds me that taking the big steps and large risks were worth it. Yes, do I still have a TON of fear, yes do I worry about to many items that are not in my control, and yes do I push myself through more ‘painful’ moments to gain those pleasurable moments, but in the end, it is worth it. Or I hope it will be worth it. The only thing I know is that there is no correct way to live life and if someone tells you or insinuates otherwise, they are lost themselves.

My ultimate goal is to find both a tolerable pain and pleasurable life balance so I can make my risks worth while. Step outside of my comfort zone to see a better life for the people I love, whether they notice it or not.

Staying Stable

The past few days have challenge me in many new ways. Yes, I am nobody, but I am also a mom of two, pregnant with my third, a full-time worker who carries the weight of main bread-winner, and currently in a different country for the month to support my husbands career. On top of that, there was a family emergency back home that I can’t be there for besides be emotionally supportive over text, phones calls, and video calls. How am I staying stable?

This is something I question pretty much every hour. I try to remember that everything happens for a reason. I remind my self there is some form of higher power out there. Now whether that is a god(s), mother nature, or some other ultimate entity, I oddly have a sense of faith that things happen for a reason.

The past few years I have been trying to connect with not only myself of self but be aware of ‘energies’ and rely on all my senses. This has been extremely helpful lately in grounding myself. I stabilize myself by pulling the energy off of my innocent children who are LOVING the environment we are currently living in. Seeing their pure joy and happiness makes me happy. I draw energy from not only the natural environment of listening to the wind during the brief breaks I take outside but also feeling the different vibes the community exudes around me as I pick up necessary items from the local grocery store.

Being present in small moments and connecting with what is occurring around me makes me whole and stable. I don’t have many people I am able to lean on presently in my life but I am learning to lean on my senses. To use the world around me to stabilize my the emotional roller coaster and life occurrences I am currently on. Writing on this platform to get out my thoughts from a high-level approach also assists. There are many ways to reach out for stabilization in ones life. We just have to be up for the challenge and be willing to try different approaches. It has been a really tough couple of weeks but ultimately I am surviving and I am proud of the growth I have taken as a single entity.

Left not Knowing from Right

Life is so complex, daunting, scary, fun, and just a big bag of unknowns. Not knowing what path to take, not knowing if the choices you are making on a daily basis are the correct ones. In the end, your life and your choices impact not only yourself but the people around you. Observing how I carry myself while living around many different people, from different cultures, ethnicities, backgrounds, and overall different perspectives, I have come to realize how much we impact one another.

We feed off one another like one living organism trying to find food, and comfort on the way to survival. It is an odd way to think about it but honestly I am surprised by other’s reactions, even strangers, from simple common interactions I may have with them. I am just trying to survive as well in this crazy world and figure out my identity and make sure I choose a path that will lead to my children’s and families success. But I have noticed, it is better to live with the wholistic thriving organism instead of hiding myself and my family to just a certain group.

Sharing the small wins in life, being empathetic, and overall treating others with decent respect along your life journey can cause a huge ripple affect. Whether if you are aware of it or not. Take a moment, and extend a hand no matter which one it might be. Live life and simultaneously raise others up by living with them. There is so much good in this world even though it appears to being damning right now in today’s climate.

It is hard to keep focus on the good and focus on the different hands life dealt us. Left hand is doing one thing while the right hand doing something completely different. One thing I know for sure is to start focusing on the small good items in the life that both paths or hands are dealing with and try to bring them together in synergy. Extremely hard but possible!

Community

Losing ones sense of self is extremely easy. There are so many distractions and tons of chaos that surrounds us on a daily basis. Hell life is full of unfortunate events that can happen in a moments time to dismantle us off our course. OR, is this chaos and moments there to redirect us to a path that we missed.

Lately, I am realizing something my father used to tell me is coming back full circle. A way of living that I really didn’t realize was inbreed in me is now going to bring me back on a path I miss. A friend recently reminded me of this way of living in one simple statement, “Keep your community close because among this chaos, they are the ones that will be there to support you and your family.”

I grew up being guided that community is only your family, blood. But I struggled to believe this, even at a young age. Let’s just say on both my mother and father’s side my blood family would distance themselves from my sister and me because we thought differently in this sense. My sister was lucky enough to find a friend community in her high school friends that are all heavily involved in her life to this day. Something I am grateful they have adopted me into. But when do I start my own community. A community that is not long distance or virtual. A community that I find solace in and one that I find support but also contribute to support them. I am tired of bouncing around from work community to work community. I love all my friends and family that are all in different states and countries but I am missing a close presence they can not fill.

How, in today’s world of chaos, do I find a path that leads me to a local community, and one that I can trust?