Tag: health

Global Thoughts

Reading is an act of passion, leisure, a source of knowledge, and an act of gaining power. Reading is a gateway for me to activate my mind in ways that most interactions with people can not accomplish.

The latest book I am reading, opens up so many insights on past work interactions that were so confusing and triggering. Now I realize those interactions were unavoidable. Not due to my actions but because society has created a work where women have to constantly consider others to thrive at work.

I am now aware of the phrase, “think globally and think globally”. Something a woman has to be skilled at in order to get ahead. They have to not only think of themselves but also make sure to insert themselves in a we manner so they are even considered. Something I naturally do. I am constantly creating teams, speaking in ‘we’ format, and orchestrating collaboration efforts to push ‘selfish’ agendas. But is it selfish or a survival mechanism in order to gain what I believe I deserve or what I believe makes sense?

To be honest this new phrase and understanding is now making my brain hurt. I now understand why it is so exhausting for me to be a part of the business world and why I hate promotions. Why I hate being seen but in order to make more money for my family to survive the economy I have to be seen. I have to accept promotions that allow me to ‘climb the corporate ladders.’ A ladder I honestly do not want to climb because it is exhausting having to strategical charter conversations that are simple but due to my gender are difficult to have.

I never realized how many of my mannerisms and way of speech are dictated by trying to survive in a man’s space. Now that I am reading this book, I am learning a great deal about my behaviors and realizing that I am not alone. It is a global issue that women have to think globally and locally to not only protect themselves but also to thrive. While men are able to use terminology freely and still get ahead. They don’t have to build a team to show their ideas will work. They are heard on the pure luck they were born male.

I am learning so much, and I am grateful that I have decided to read again. Do I have time to read, no. But am I going to make it a priority to get back into my reading habits, yes. I realize, keeping my mind active and relevant will benefit not only myself but my family. My first consciousness acts of thinking and behaving globally and locally.

The more I read, the more clarity, knowledge, and power I will have to thrive in this world. To not only be successful for myself but also for my family.

Whiplash

It is crazy how fast memories populate in your mind due to certain phrases, smells, colors, or series of events. My sister and her two girls got into a fender bender recently. They were all okay, and the girls did not even realize they were in a car accident. Thank goodness for car seats and my sister’s fast reaction.

The thought of her children having whiplash from a car accident caused a rush of emotions. My stomach turned into knots, and my heart ached. As I sat there and listened to my sister’s trauma, I tried to push down everything I was feeling. I wanted to be there for my sister. Although, as she spoke and confirmed she didn’t have her kids checked by EMT or doctors, I asked again if she and the girls were alright. I guess I had a certain fear in my voice, or maybe I asked too many times, but the roles switched into her comforting me. She then proceeded to ask why I was so concerned about a fender bender and whiplash on my niece’s. I took a breath and calmly explained how I was in two similar accidents, but our parents never got me checked. Now these accidents were more severe than a fender bender, and I was not protected by the car seats we have today for our children. In the end, my muscles, ligaments, and nerves took a hit that still causes me issues in my adult life.

I thought my sister would not inquire anymore and move on, but she asked about which accidents. I proceeded to tell her about both. Surprisingly she was in the car for one, but I did not remember her being in the front seat. Sure enough, she was shocked that I remembered the one we were in together and never told her about the second one.

Here is the kicker, both accidents I was with my parents and both times my parents were more concerned about optics than my safety. Or maybe they truly thought I was okay. But I was not physically fine from those accidents and I now know I am not emotionally okay either. I still have trauma over 30 years later to both my body and heart.

My sister was in a fender bender with her two girls. My mind flashed the image of my father’s face and his car hitting our gray minivan, right into the side where I was sitting. Not only did my body have whiplash from that day, but so did my mind and heart. Trauma I had no clue was buried came flashing back. Trauma both my sister and I carried separately all these years, now came into light. There were a few seconds of silence after we both realized we remembered that car accident amongst our parents. I immediately felt sadness that my sister was also in the minivan. But also validated as she confirmed it happened. That our father was crazy enough to hit the car that was carrying not only our mom but his two children.

I will never know what caused that accident that day. I will never ask my parents what they fought about or why my dad took drastic measures to stop our car. All I know is that in the past couple of days, I have been tearing up, thinking, I could never purposely cause an accident knowing my children are in the car. As a parent, I never want to cause my children any form of whiplash if I can avoid it. Why did my parents not protect my sister and I from physical and emotional whiplash? Why did it take us over 30 years to talk about this childhood memory? What other buried memories do I have that I share with my sister? All of these feelings and questions are weighing me down. All due to a fender bender that my nieces didn’t even realize happened. Thank goodness for car seats, and for my sister taking the steps to reinvent the wheel and protect her children.

Worthy

Insignificant bitch, you know nothing, you are worthless, you have not learned, you will never know, you will never understand, you are worthless. These phrases I was told at least once or multiple times as I grew up. Yes, these sharp knives thrown at me were targeted due to a lack of self-control and rage, but as a child, they affected me. To this day, these phrases cast over me and affect my state of being. They even affect my marriage and overall my daily self-worth.

Today, I realized I still carry these phrases with me. I feel worthless daily and I don’t think highly of myself. Many others have described me in the exact opposite and have even shown me how I am not worthless. For some reason, I carry one and react as if I am insignificant and my opinion, thoughts, and emotions do not matter as much as others.

I can’t believe one person’s words from over twenty years ago still restrain my mind and emotions from moving forward. I realized I truly believe other people’s opinions, thoughts, and emotions outrank mine in all aspects. I realized my default is to think I am wrong and they are right. That I do not matter, and in the end, it is better to either need the other person or to seek escape.

Interestingly enough, many people see me as stubborn, resilient, an advocate, and one who, in the end, is persistent. Yes, I do carry those attributes, but my core is not worthy.

How do I become worthy of myself and not for others? How do I break the shackles of my past? Do I fight for myself, take the challenges I fear to take to become the best version of myself? Am I worthy?

Sickness

Diseases, illness, and sickness have been of interest to me lately. This all stems from me curled up on my bedroom floor, having a panic attack, while crying, and gasping to breathe because my nose was completely clogged. I was diagnosed with RSV a few weeks ago, and let me say, having RSV while pregnant is quite debilitating. Due to growing another human, I am unable to take medications to relieve or cure the RSV faster, and if you choose to do any research, you will see it takes longer for RSV to run its course if a woman is pregnant. Not to mention, while being pregnant, most of your O2 goes to the baby in the first place, so now I have two sources as to why it is challenging to breathe daily.

So I am lying there, trying to calm myself down, and mentally I am scared because I was worried I would not be able to catch my breath. I started to think of all these horrible thoughts, and this continued my anxiety attack to heighten. How did I resolve this attack on my own? I started to link how my anxiety and my mind are a disease. A disease that was genetically passed to me and my body was fighting off not only a sickness, RSV, but technically also a parasite, my baby. Yes, I know it is not socially acceptable to call babies parasites, but they technically are since they absorb and use all their mother’s nutrients and many other functional resources to grow.

I was fighting off so much in one moment, and my mind turned from harmful thoughts to scientific ones. Soon, I was thinking about how much my body was doing in those few minutes, and I started to calm down and breathe through my mouth, but I was still breathing. I was no longer panicking, gasping for air, or damaging my sense of self; I was fighting back.

This was a rock bottom moment for me, but I am truly happy I had it. From low moments, I realize how much I am grateful for just being alive. Being able to live life and cherish so many small, happy moments is why I stay present. Today is also a dear uncle’s anniversary of death via a brain aneurysm. His death was quick, unforeseen, and devastating. He was only 52 and left behind my 3 amazing cousins who have continued to impress me with their resilience and attitudes at conquering the world. I wish I could hear his laugh just one more time, since he was the happiest person I knew. Sadly, due to a family strife, I barely got to spend much time with him in his last few years of living, but I now plan to live life to the fullest as much as he did.

Depression, anxiety, RSV, and even pregnancy are all small moments in our lives. It is my job to remind myself that they do not control me, but are all sickness, illnesses, and/or diseases that I can overcome with time. I am here to live and enjoy life, not to give in to sicknesses that may try to bring me down.

Pleasure and Pain

Balancing life is both pleasurable and painful all at the same time. There is a saying that nothing is worth while unless it is hard. Welp, life is hard but man are the pleasurable moments worth it.

My mind is constantly telling myself to keep going, that I don’t have it that bad, nothing compares to those fighting for their lives or those who do not have adequate resources. Then there is another part of me that wants to just toss in the towel and live in an area where fetching water from a well or a river is how to obtain your drinking, and washing water.

There are many types of pain; physical, mental, and emotional. All of which are rated and have a different scale for different individuals. No one person can dismiss your pain. No person can tell you something doesn’t hurt. There are so many variables and circumstances that can lead to pain. Whether it is big or small, pain is pain. But what happens if you are the one causing the never ending torture on yourself by choosing the same situations over and over that inflict the pain? It goes with out saying that insanity is repeating the same occurrence over and over again expecting different results. So how does one stop the pain?

I don’t have the right answers and hell I have not clue if I am on the right path to happiness and pleasure. What I do know is that I am experiencing more and more small pleasurable happy moments in a day then I have ever before. This reminds me that taking the big steps and large risks were worth it. Yes, do I still have a TON of fear, yes do I worry about to many items that are not in my control, and yes do I push myself through more ‘painful’ moments to gain those pleasurable moments, but in the end, it is worth it. Or I hope it will be worth it. The only thing I know is that there is no correct way to live life and if someone tells you or insinuates otherwise, they are lost themselves.

My ultimate goal is to find both a tolerable pain and pleasurable life balance so I can make my risks worth while. Step outside of my comfort zone to see a better life for the people I love, whether they notice it or not.