Tag: fear

Whiplash

It is crazy how fast memories populate in your mind due to certain phrases, smells, colors, or series of events. My sister and her two girls got into a fender bender recently. They were all okay, and the girls did not even realize they were in a car accident. Thank goodness for car seats and my sister’s fast reaction.

The thought of her children having whiplash from a car accident caused a rush of emotions. My stomach turned into knots, and my heart ached. As I sat there and listened to my sister’s trauma, I tried to push down everything I was feeling. I wanted to be there for my sister. Although, as she spoke and confirmed she didn’t have her kids checked by EMT or doctors, I asked again if she and the girls were alright. I guess I had a certain fear in my voice, or maybe I asked too many times, but the roles switched into her comforting me. She then proceeded to ask why I was so concerned about a fender bender and whiplash on my niece’s. I took a breath and calmly explained how I was in two similar accidents, but our parents never got me checked. Now these accidents were more severe than a fender bender, and I was not protected by the car seats we have today for our children. In the end, my muscles, ligaments, and nerves took a hit that still causes me issues in my adult life.

I thought my sister would not inquire anymore and move on, but she asked about which accidents. I proceeded to tell her about both. Surprisingly she was in the car for one, but I did not remember her being in the front seat. Sure enough, she was shocked that I remembered the one we were in together and never told her about the second one.

Here is the kicker, both accidents I was with my parents and both times my parents were more concerned about optics than my safety. Or maybe they truly thought I was okay. But I was not physically fine from those accidents and I now know I am not emotionally okay either. I still have trauma over 30 years later to both my body and heart.

My sister was in a fender bender with her two girls. My mind flashed the image of my father’s face and his car hitting our gray minivan, right into the side where I was sitting. Not only did my body have whiplash from that day, but so did my mind and heart. Trauma I had no clue was buried came flashing back. Trauma both my sister and I carried separately all these years, now came into light. There were a few seconds of silence after we both realized we remembered that car accident amongst our parents. I immediately felt sadness that my sister was also in the minivan. But also validated as she confirmed it happened. That our father was crazy enough to hit the car that was carrying not only our mom but his two children.

I will never know what caused that accident that day. I will never ask my parents what they fought about or why my dad took drastic measures to stop our car. All I know is that in the past couple of days, I have been tearing up, thinking, I could never purposely cause an accident knowing my children are in the car. As a parent, I never want to cause my children any form of whiplash if I can avoid it. Why did my parents not protect my sister and I from physical and emotional whiplash? Why did it take us over 30 years to talk about this childhood memory? What other buried memories do I have that I share with my sister? All of these feelings and questions are weighing me down. All due to a fender bender that my nieces didn’t even realize happened. Thank goodness for car seats, and for my sister taking the steps to reinvent the wheel and protect her children.

Lean into Fear

Every day I am reminded that I am responsible for other people’s lives, my children. With my newborn, I am reminded every hour to two hours to feed him. Living to take care of others is both a blessing and a curse as it brings you both joy and insanity.

Trying to stay sane is oddly easy for me. Many people, including myself, thought I was going to battle with postpartum depression. I know I have it, but it’s not as severe as expected. Especially since I am quarantining with me and my baby in a house all by ourselves for the first couple of weeks of his life. Sadly my other kids got sick and one was hospitalized. So to protect our newborn, we decided to divide and conquer. My husband takes care of our other two sick kids at his sister’s house and I quarantine with our newborn at our unfinished home.

I miss my family and I miss my other kids. Although I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I find myself listening to the sound of the wind and insects outside. Or listening to my own thoughts for hours at a time. Last night, I realized it had been over a week since I touched a computer or a TV.  I thought not being surrounded by my loved ones in a new place would trigger my depression. Crazy enough, I think it is preventing it.

Reverting back to quiet, listening to nature, and being alone with my own thoughts is now preventing depression. I used to hate being alone. I feared it because my mind would spiral down scary paths. Paths of sadness, emptiness, and even suicidal thoughts. Years ago, I decided to lean into this fear of being alone with my thoughts. I no longer wanted to keep busy and ignore my mind or feelings. I wanted to make peace with myself and live in peace. So it was a goal of mine to become whole again by being content with myself in every aspect: mind, body, and spirit.

This journey is difficult and it scared me plenty of times to be alone. Though being thrown into quarantine with my newborn showed me that I have accomplished being content with my mind. Something I was once scared of, I now find peace in my thoughts. Yes, my demons come back every so often but I am now strong enough to fight them on my own. I leaned into my own fear and now I am not scared of myself but rather proud. My mind is at peace and now I need to focus on my body and spirit.

Diversify

The economy is always changing and those who adapt normally stay safe. Safe from being left to catch up, and safe from financial ruin. Learning to adapt quickly is a skill set that many people don’t recognize. The other useful skill is having the foresight to realize that staying in the same routine will cause turmoil.

Knowing when you have reached the end and there are no more growth opportunities is difficult to notice. Leaving that situation or even attempting to modify it slightly to open up possibilities is the hard part. The hardest thing to do is figuring out a way to keep the current position but branching out to other opportunities to diversify. Diversify your income, your sanity, your mental capacity and overall challenge yourself to break out of the comfort zone.

I am busting out of my comfort zone. My friends are helping me a bit but I am still doing it. I was challenged the past few years to start drawing again. A creative outlet I left many years ago. Something that I used to love that others ruined for me by fighting on who got to keep me art and telling me I had to draw a certain way. Now, I am challenged once again, a few years later, to pick up my pencils and draw. I am scared shitless but I am going to try and help a friend who requested illustrations for her children’s book.

Now, art has always been part of my life growing up. I would not only draw and paint in sketch pads but I would also paint while fixing up homes. My first memory of painting trim was when I was about 7 or 8. Oddly enough I found it extremely relaxing. Just how it used to be relaxing to draw and paint for fun. Recently I got to cut a few rooms and paint some trim. Man did this take me back. I immediately felt at ease, relaxed, and happy. Something I have not felt in a long time when it came to ‘painting’. So here I am now thinking of how I can get back out there, market myself, and paint people’s rooms for a profit. Not only will it give me some peace of mind,  it will bring in some financial support for my family and will keep my diverse skills sharp. I am now even thinking about making cakes for kids birthday parties. Something else I used to love doing was decorating cakes with my fathers ex-girlfriend. We would sit for hours decorating holiday and birthday cakes. She taught me how to pipe icing and a few other tricks.

All of these skills have laid dormant for over a decade. Hell I think it may have been two decades. But recently they have been emerging because of my kids. Friends and family members are noticing my creative side as they see my sketches I do with my kids, and the cakes I create for them and my nephews. So now I have friends and family members requesting I make their cakes and even illustrate their books. It is scary being noticed for something you not only walked away from but also hide for so many years of your life.

I am realizing tho, that the tech job market is no longer the safest route. The safest route is realizing the economy is shifting again, and I need to shift with it. This time instead of leaving one profession for another. I plan to juggle diversify my professional portfolio and call up on my dormant skills of being an artist.

Worthy

Insignificant bitch, you know nothing, you are worthless, you have not learned, you will never know, you will never understand, you are worthless. These phrases I was told at least once or multiple times as I grew up. Yes, these sharp knives thrown at me were targeted due to a lack of self-control and rage, but as a child, they affected me. To this day, these phrases cast over me and affect my state of being. They even affect my marriage and overall my daily self-worth.

Today, I realized I still carry these phrases with me. I feel worthless daily and I don’t think highly of myself. Many others have described me in the exact opposite and have even shown me how I am not worthless. For some reason, I carry one and react as if I am insignificant and my opinion, thoughts, and emotions do not matter as much as others.

I can’t believe one person’s words from over twenty years ago still restrain my mind and emotions from moving forward. I realized I truly believe other people’s opinions, thoughts, and emotions outrank mine in all aspects. I realized my default is to think I am wrong and they are right. That I do not matter, and in the end, it is better to either need the other person or to seek escape.

Interestingly enough, many people see me as stubborn, resilient, an advocate, and one who, in the end, is persistent. Yes, I do carry those attributes, but my core is not worthy.

How do I become worthy of myself and not for others? How do I break the shackles of my past? Do I fight for myself, take the challenges I fear to take to become the best version of myself? Am I worthy?

Fear and Realization

Lately, I have come to realize that fear holds many of us back, including myself, to become the best versions of ourselves. Fear prevented me from writing anymore. I was scared others, besides a trusted friend, were reading my intimate thoughts and feeling. Complete strangers were seeing a side of me many I hold dear to me barely ever see. I have realized though that I want to move past my fears, big or small. I want to become the best version of myself no matter other peoples concerns, opinions, or my owner inner fears.

It is amazing how the hardest thing to do in life is battling with myself on a daily basis. Even in today’s world with the political and environmental climate, I still struggle with my inner thoughts and fear multiple times a day. I have to tell myself, I am lucky, I am loved, I am worthy, and to keep moving forward. To most this might sound a bit silly since there are so many other devasting occurrences that have occurred and are occurring. But, my inner battle to face the world and be apart of it, is my hardest challenge and biggest fear to conquer.

To overcome these insecurities and fear, I decided to write down what I want from myself. Things that no one else can help me with and hold myself accountable. Now this list I have accumulates is not an easy task, is daunting, and will take years to accomplish but I have seen small changes already in my daily life. It is my reset in mentality that I was needing to start really living life instead of just walking through the motions and allowing my fear hold me back.

I am on this journey, no one else, and I am the only one who can make the change, no one else and the fear of others’ opinions will not stop me.