Tag: family

Global Thoughts

Reading is an act of passion, leisure, a source of knowledge, and an act of gaining power. Reading is a gateway for me to activate my mind in ways that most interactions with people can not accomplish.

The latest book I am reading, opens up so many insights on past work interactions that were so confusing and triggering. Now I realize those interactions were unavoidable. Not due to my actions but because society has created a work where women have to constantly consider others to thrive at work.

I am now aware of the phrase, “think globally and think globally”. Something a woman has to be skilled at in order to get ahead. They have to not only think of themselves but also make sure to insert themselves in a we manner so they are even considered. Something I naturally do. I am constantly creating teams, speaking in ‘we’ format, and orchestrating collaboration efforts to push ‘selfish’ agendas. But is it selfish or a survival mechanism in order to gain what I believe I deserve or what I believe makes sense?

To be honest this new phrase and understanding is now making my brain hurt. I now understand why it is so exhausting for me to be a part of the business world and why I hate promotions. Why I hate being seen but in order to make more money for my family to survive the economy I have to be seen. I have to accept promotions that allow me to ‘climb the corporate ladders.’ A ladder I honestly do not want to climb because it is exhausting having to strategical charter conversations that are simple but due to my gender are difficult to have.

I never realized how many of my mannerisms and way of speech are dictated by trying to survive in a man’s space. Now that I am reading this book, I am learning a great deal about my behaviors and realizing that I am not alone. It is a global issue that women have to think globally and locally to not only protect themselves but also to thrive. While men are able to use terminology freely and still get ahead. They don’t have to build a team to show their ideas will work. They are heard on the pure luck they were born male.

I am learning so much, and I am grateful that I have decided to read again. Do I have time to read, no. But am I going to make it a priority to get back into my reading habits, yes. I realize, keeping my mind active and relevant will benefit not only myself but my family. My first consciousness acts of thinking and behaving globally and locally.

The more I read, the more clarity, knowledge, and power I will have to thrive in this world. To not only be successful for myself but also for my family.

Whiplash

It is crazy how fast memories populate in your mind due to certain phrases, smells, colors, or series of events. My sister and her two girls got into a fender bender recently. They were all okay, and the girls did not even realize they were in a car accident. Thank goodness for car seats and my sister’s fast reaction.

The thought of her children having whiplash from a car accident caused a rush of emotions. My stomach turned into knots, and my heart ached. As I sat there and listened to my sister’s trauma, I tried to push down everything I was feeling. I wanted to be there for my sister. Although, as she spoke and confirmed she didn’t have her kids checked by EMT or doctors, I asked again if she and the girls were alright. I guess I had a certain fear in my voice, or maybe I asked too many times, but the roles switched into her comforting me. She then proceeded to ask why I was so concerned about a fender bender and whiplash on my niece’s. I took a breath and calmly explained how I was in two similar accidents, but our parents never got me checked. Now these accidents were more severe than a fender bender, and I was not protected by the car seats we have today for our children. In the end, my muscles, ligaments, and nerves took a hit that still causes me issues in my adult life.

I thought my sister would not inquire anymore and move on, but she asked about which accidents. I proceeded to tell her about both. Surprisingly she was in the car for one, but I did not remember her being in the front seat. Sure enough, she was shocked that I remembered the one we were in together and never told her about the second one.

Here is the kicker, both accidents I was with my parents and both times my parents were more concerned about optics than my safety. Or maybe they truly thought I was okay. But I was not physically fine from those accidents and I now know I am not emotionally okay either. I still have trauma over 30 years later to both my body and heart.

My sister was in a fender bender with her two girls. My mind flashed the image of my father’s face and his car hitting our gray minivan, right into the side where I was sitting. Not only did my body have whiplash from that day, but so did my mind and heart. Trauma I had no clue was buried came flashing back. Trauma both my sister and I carried separately all these years, now came into light. There were a few seconds of silence after we both realized we remembered that car accident amongst our parents. I immediately felt sadness that my sister was also in the minivan. But also validated as she confirmed it happened. That our father was crazy enough to hit the car that was carrying not only our mom but his two children.

I will never know what caused that accident that day. I will never ask my parents what they fought about or why my dad took drastic measures to stop our car. All I know is that in the past couple of days, I have been tearing up, thinking, I could never purposely cause an accident knowing my children are in the car. As a parent, I never want to cause my children any form of whiplash if I can avoid it. Why did my parents not protect my sister and I from physical and emotional whiplash? Why did it take us over 30 years to talk about this childhood memory? What other buried memories do I have that I share with my sister? All of these feelings and questions are weighing me down. All due to a fender bender that my nieces didn’t even realize happened. Thank goodness for car seats, and for my sister taking the steps to reinvent the wheel and protect her children.

Lean into Fear

Every day I am reminded that I am responsible for other people’s lives, my children. With my newborn, I am reminded every hour to two hours to feed him. Living to take care of others is both a blessing and a curse as it brings you both joy and insanity.

Trying to stay sane is oddly easy for me. Many people, including myself, thought I was going to battle with postpartum depression. I know I have it, but it’s not as severe as expected. Especially since I am quarantining with me and my baby in a house all by ourselves for the first couple of weeks of his life. Sadly my other kids got sick and one was hospitalized. So to protect our newborn, we decided to divide and conquer. My husband takes care of our other two sick kids at his sister’s house and I quarantine with our newborn at our unfinished home.

I miss my family and I miss my other kids. Although I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I find myself listening to the sound of the wind and insects outside. Or listening to my own thoughts for hours at a time. Last night, I realized it had been over a week since I touched a computer or a TV.  I thought not being surrounded by my loved ones in a new place would trigger my depression. Crazy enough, I think it is preventing it.

Reverting back to quiet, listening to nature, and being alone with my own thoughts is now preventing depression. I used to hate being alone. I feared it because my mind would spiral down scary paths. Paths of sadness, emptiness, and even suicidal thoughts. Years ago, I decided to lean into this fear of being alone with my thoughts. I no longer wanted to keep busy and ignore my mind or feelings. I wanted to make peace with myself and live in peace. So it was a goal of mine to become whole again by being content with myself in every aspect: mind, body, and spirit.

This journey is difficult and it scared me plenty of times to be alone. Though being thrown into quarantine with my newborn showed me that I have accomplished being content with my mind. Something I was once scared of, I now find peace in my thoughts. Yes, my demons come back every so often but I am now strong enough to fight them on my own. I leaned into my own fear and now I am not scared of myself but rather proud. My mind is at peace and now I need to focus on my body and spirit.

Don’t you want to be a leader?

This question has been thrown in my face way too many times. Oddly enough, I was told I was going to be a leader by the same person who called me an insignificant little bitch. I was not only told these two phrases but got constant whiplash between following in their footsteps to lead but also to be held down by that same individual.

The skills to lead, observe, and articulate are all positive skills passed down. The skills to manipulate, argue to the point of submission, and read other people’s body language against them were other skills I was taught. These skills though I realized are not necessarily negative but skills I have to use with caution. Skills I have to hide from others. It is interesting how many companies and people have seen these different skills I possess, and try to harness them for their benefit. It is funny how many of them say the same question, “Don’t you want to be a leader?” When they realize I no longer want the same path for myself that they laid out for me.

I don’t want to be a leader. I want to live a simple life and provide for my family. I want to enjoy and bask in the simple things. I want to stop and smell the roses. I want to cherish moments with my children. I want to provide them with financial, and emotional stability. Man there are a ton of ‘i want’ in this paragraph.

Why do so many people see me on a leadership path when I don’t want this for myself? How do I keep ending up with this same question over and over again in different forms? Is there a way to be a leader to help others, balance my skill sets for justice purposes, and cherish my family and simple things in life? Is this obtainable?

Decision Making

It was advised to write if you are overthinking. Welp, I am definitely overthinking EVERYTHING right now. There are so many moving parts and paths that it is hard to keep everything aligned. Yes, I keep lists and prioritize items for daily, weekly, and even monthly tasks, but there are other variables at play. Many things that are out of my control completely. For instance, when my third child comes. When the little one decides to come into this world, it is completely out of my hands. My due date is not until the end of July, but the baby has dropped, hormonal switches are occurring, and a few other indicators that the baby may grace us with their presence sooner rather than later.

This is something small in comparison to the toxic wars occurring in other countries and mothers losing their babies due to a lack of nutrition. Although, nonetheless, I am worried as it is too early. So, trying to rest as much as possible to prevent any early labor. Easier said than done when contractors are scamming us, we still have not moved into our new home, insurance companies are not processing items for our claim on time, family drama, two other children to take care of, continuing to work full time, and many other life duties. Every day, I have to choose to put aside the stressors of overthinking everything that needs to get done to rest for the baby I am carrying. To prevent my body from going into early labor due to stress. I have decided to slow down, put the baby and my health first. Honestly, it is hard! We can’t afford for me to stop working, and my husband’s job needs a ton of his attention, so our two kids both need us. Yes, he is doing everything in his power to make sure I can rest, but he can’t carry the burden and weight of everything. I see in his eyes how tired he has been, and I can see how stressed he is while he deals with talking to insurance and contractors about our new home. Overall, we both have to make the decisions in the end on where to spend money, if we get lawyers involved, since both the insurance company and contractors are legit taking advantage of the situation that was supposed to be completed in 2-3 weeks, but it has been over 2 months.

Adulting and decision-making are never an easy road. Not only is it stressful, but it is something no one can confirm or dictate the right choices. All of them are situation-dependent on your own life path and your family. I am learning, many people are not looking out for you or your family. Something I was taught while growing up, to not trust anyone but family. But here is the thing, even my own blood has not been helpful lately. The hardest decisions lately have been determining who I can and can not trust. This has led me to lean on my gut instincts more and more lately, and so far, that is leading me down a path I am not complaining about. Interestingly enough, the decisions become clearer when I slow down and become more aware of my gut instincts. I just need to listen.

Sickness

Diseases, illness, and sickness have been of interest to me lately. This all stems from me curled up on my bedroom floor, having a panic attack, while crying, and gasping to breathe because my nose was completely clogged. I was diagnosed with RSV a few weeks ago, and let me say, having RSV while pregnant is quite debilitating. Due to growing another human, I am unable to take medications to relieve or cure the RSV faster, and if you choose to do any research, you will see it takes longer for RSV to run its course if a woman is pregnant. Not to mention, while being pregnant, most of your O2 goes to the baby in the first place, so now I have two sources as to why it is challenging to breathe daily.

So I am lying there, trying to calm myself down, and mentally I am scared because I was worried I would not be able to catch my breath. I started to think of all these horrible thoughts, and this continued my anxiety attack to heighten. How did I resolve this attack on my own? I started to link how my anxiety and my mind are a disease. A disease that was genetically passed to me and my body was fighting off not only a sickness, RSV, but technically also a parasite, my baby. Yes, I know it is not socially acceptable to call babies parasites, but they technically are since they absorb and use all their mother’s nutrients and many other functional resources to grow.

I was fighting off so much in one moment, and my mind turned from harmful thoughts to scientific ones. Soon, I was thinking about how much my body was doing in those few minutes, and I started to calm down and breathe through my mouth, but I was still breathing. I was no longer panicking, gasping for air, or damaging my sense of self; I was fighting back.

This was a rock bottom moment for me, but I am truly happy I had it. From low moments, I realize how much I am grateful for just being alive. Being able to live life and cherish so many small, happy moments is why I stay present. Today is also a dear uncle’s anniversary of death via a brain aneurysm. His death was quick, unforeseen, and devastating. He was only 52 and left behind my 3 amazing cousins who have continued to impress me with their resilience and attitudes at conquering the world. I wish I could hear his laugh just one more time, since he was the happiest person I knew. Sadly, due to a family strife, I barely got to spend much time with him in his last few years of living, but I now plan to live life to the fullest as much as he did.

Depression, anxiety, RSV, and even pregnancy are all small moments in our lives. It is my job to remind myself that they do not control me, but are all sickness, illnesses, and/or diseases that I can overcome with time. I am here to live and enjoy life, not to give in to sicknesses that may try to bring me down.