Tag: blog

Changes

How many changes and life curveballs can one person handle? Is resilience a positive attribute? Being patient is known as a key, likeable trait, but how much patience can one have before they start to crumble?

All things considered, I am moving forward, not backward, in today’s world. I count my blessings and check myself daily to see how I can improve. What steps and moves do I have to take to proceed further and not backward? While trying to do this, many life occurrences occur that stop me in my tracks and try to prevent me from moving forward. Friends and family joke that I have bad luck, and that if they were in my scenarios or situation, they would just stop. Every time I hear this or get a sense of woahs from others, I feel some type of way. It feels like pity, but interestingly enough, it makes me realize how resilient I am. They are aware of many life curveballs because they ask. I don’t call them to complain or anything, I just call because I want human interaction with friends and family. It leads into the typical, How was your day or What are you doing today, and I end up telling them. These changes are my life currently, a moment in time that apparently would stop most in their tracks, but I chose to get moving forward. Oddly enough, I don’t even hesitate but take steps without missing a beat to hit or dodge the curve ball coming at me full speed.

I am not sure what is in store for me, and I am not sure why so many curveballs are being thrown at me daily. I do know that my patience is dwindling, and I am trying everything in my power to keep level-headed. To not allow other people’s thoughts, wants, desires, issues, or grievances stop me or change me. This is the hardest part in my life right now, to not mold my path based on others. To not take on other people’s emotions as my own, and change my choices based on others’ feelings, insecurities, or their own demons they are battling with.

I can not bend to others to battle these life changes and move forward for my family and me. Even if I love them and they love me.

Insightful or Venting

We all know I started posting for selfish reasons. To get the thoughts out of my brain onto ‘paper’ as oddly enough it is easier for me to type instead of write now. I used to write so much when I was a kid but sadly had to stop due to others finding my writings and getting angry about them. Now I am an adult who works in tech and can type faster then I can write. This makes me sad and concerned.

My anxiety and worry is fluctuating off the charts lately and it is hard to keep them all in line. I didn’t even realize I was concerned about my writing capabilities until I just typed it. My brain is bouncing all over the place and I think it is interesting that there are a few people reading and enjoying the posts. To be honest I am not sure they are insightful or they are just a way for me to vent. To get things on ‘paper’ instead of continuously circling around in my brain.

I have so many things in my life to be happy about but for some reason I can not stop the negative, sad thoughts that spring out of now where. For today, there is a family funeral I am unable to attend since I am overseas in a different country. I am sad I am not there with my family and there are so many worries that keep coming across my mind. Meanwhile there is nothing I can really do besides go for a walk, take a shower, take care of the kids, and head into work. I called and talked to a few key family members but it is not the same as being present in person.

Going for a power walk really helped and sweating out the concerns really helped but now sitting at my desk preparing for what feels like a ‘normal’ day just seems awkward and I feel guilty. I have made my peace with their passing already but not peace with not being there for my sibling, cousins, step-mom and dad. I know they are fine without me being there but I also know they have all expressed that they wish I was with them.

Tis the life of someone who choose to move from home, marry a person not from the united states, and inspiring to build a better future for our kids. I am hoping this journey and path I am taking will be worth it but who the hell knows. Only time will tell and if I succeed at my goals, then I will know taking a different path then what I was told was correct, will be worth it. I sure hope putting down a pen for a keyboard will be fruitful. But man do I miss my roots.

Staying Stable

The past few days have challenge me in many new ways. Yes, I am nobody, but I am also a mom of two, pregnant with my third, a full-time worker who carries the weight of main bread-winner, and currently in a different country for the month to support my husbands career. On top of that, there was a family emergency back home that I can’t be there for besides be emotionally supportive over text, phones calls, and video calls. How am I staying stable?

This is something I question pretty much every hour. I try to remember that everything happens for a reason. I remind my self there is some form of higher power out there. Now whether that is a god(s), mother nature, or some other ultimate entity, I oddly have a sense of faith that things happen for a reason.

The past few years I have been trying to connect with not only myself of self but be aware of ‘energies’ and rely on all my senses. This has been extremely helpful lately in grounding myself. I stabilize myself by pulling the energy off of my innocent children who are LOVING the environment we are currently living in. Seeing their pure joy and happiness makes me happy. I draw energy from not only the natural environment of listening to the wind during the brief breaks I take outside but also feeling the different vibes the community exudes around me as I pick up necessary items from the local grocery store.

Being present in small moments and connecting with what is occurring around me makes me whole and stable. I don’t have many people I am able to lean on presently in my life but I am learning to lean on my senses. To use the world around me to stabilize my the emotional roller coaster and life occurrences I am currently on. Writing on this platform to get out my thoughts from a high-level approach also assists. There are many ways to reach out for stabilization in ones life. We just have to be up for the challenge and be willing to try different approaches. It has been a really tough couple of weeks but ultimately I am surviving and I am proud of the growth I have taken as a single entity.