Tag: baby

Lean into Fear

Every day I am reminded that I am responsible for other people’s lives, my children. With my newborn, I am reminded every hour to two hours to feed him. Living to take care of others is both a blessing and a curse as it brings you both joy and insanity.

Trying to stay sane is oddly easy for me. Many people, including myself, thought I was going to battle with postpartum depression. I know I have it, but it’s not as severe as expected. Especially since I am quarantining with me and my baby in a house all by ourselves for the first couple of weeks of his life. Sadly my other kids got sick and one was hospitalized. So to protect our newborn, we decided to divide and conquer. My husband takes care of our other two sick kids at his sister’s house and I quarantine with our newborn at our unfinished home.

I miss my family and I miss my other kids. Although I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I find myself listening to the sound of the wind and insects outside. Or listening to my own thoughts for hours at a time. Last night, I realized it had been over a week since I touched a computer or a TV.  I thought not being surrounded by my loved ones in a new place would trigger my depression. Crazy enough, I think it is preventing it.

Reverting back to quiet, listening to nature, and being alone with my own thoughts is now preventing depression. I used to hate being alone. I feared it because my mind would spiral down scary paths. Paths of sadness, emptiness, and even suicidal thoughts. Years ago, I decided to lean into this fear of being alone with my thoughts. I no longer wanted to keep busy and ignore my mind or feelings. I wanted to make peace with myself and live in peace. So it was a goal of mine to become whole again by being content with myself in every aspect: mind, body, and spirit.

This journey is difficult and it scared me plenty of times to be alone. Though being thrown into quarantine with my newborn showed me that I have accomplished being content with my mind. Something I was once scared of, I now find peace in my thoughts. Yes, my demons come back every so often but I am now strong enough to fight them on my own. I leaned into my own fear and now I am not scared of myself but rather proud. My mind is at peace and now I need to focus on my body and spirit.

Unforseen Relationships

We crave comfort, challenges, love, touch, truth, emotional connection, and safety. The list of items we crave is endless. Endless because it is unique to each individual. My mind, body, and soul crave different things at different times, and I switch gears daily. I am only one entity, I am only one human, but my cravings are endless.

Currently, I am joined with another entity, my third child. This child was unforeseen, its cravings are unforeseen, and its arrival into this world is unforeseen. My relationship with this baby has already begun while it is nestled in my womb. A relationship that is different from any of my other relationships. It has yet to join me in our world, and it is past 40 weeks of the growth process. I crave to meet the little one, and the baby craves comfort in my womb. It scares me that the baby has yet to come join us, and it scares me every day it finds comfort in me. I have tried many natural ways to induce, but this baby has other plans for us. It is hard, but I have to trust the process. I have to trust this baby will know when it is right for us to meet.

Meeting someone new who will impact your life is unpredictable. Conceiving this third child was unpredictable, and the day I get to meet them is now uncertain. This leads me to explain a thought that is tossing around my mind. The thought that all relationships we have with one another are unforeseen. We will never know who will come across our paths and make a difference to our mind, body, or soul. There are some relationships I have that were conceived before I was even born through family connections. Some relationships grew over time as I grew up, some that are new, some that disappeared over the years, and are now just memories. The relationships that are now close to me, I never thought would be the people in my life. Then there are relationships I thought were going to last forever that have now disappeared. I crave relationships as to many. But which ones are the right ones to have? Which ones should I chase after, which ones should I hold dear, which ones should I let go, and which ones should I fight for? All of these questions that I will never know the answer to until life occurs. Just like the question, when will I meet this baby? Something I can not control, but only have faith I will meet them when the time is right.

People will come in and out of my life when they are supposed to, but it is what I learn from those relationships and gain from them, is that matters. I only hope my connections to those I cross paths with assist in their cravings and their life path instead of hindering them.