Nobody-Default

Physical, emotional, mental, and unforeseen circumstances can cause delays in our plans. Every day is a new day and a new set of uncertainties, delays, and setbacks. This is the negative perspective but others can be optimistic. They can say every day is a new adventure, a new beginning, and many small moments that lead us down our paths to our destinies.

Life is ultimately about perspective but how can those hit with many negative life moments keep a positive perspective? It is easy to think the world is a fun adventure when many of the small moments in life are seamlessly blissful or happy moments.

I count the number of ways that I am fortunate every day to stay positive. I have a healthy family, a roof over my head, and food to set the table. I don’t have the struggles of homelessness or have to worry about health care. Although, I have other worries in my life that come across my mind daily. These worries delay my daily progress and it is infuriating. Why can’t I move past the concerns and struggles I have in life and be content?

It is scary to think you have no control over anything. Things can change in an instant. One phone call, one missed step, or even one slip in speech can shift the dialogue of your life. Nothing is certain and nothing is avoidable. Everything is fluid and chaotic. No one can manipulate or change the course of what comes next in life. People need to stop trying.

Is it better to be alone with your thoughts or to constantly keep busy?

There must be a balance between sitting with your thoughts and just moving on. I am tired of thinking the same things over and over again. I am tired of feeling the same feelings over and over again. I am tired of thinking there are triggers or ways to manage these feelings and thoughts. Spending countless hours focusing on them and trying to manage them. I wish there was a switch to turn it off and enjoy life.

Of course, these thoughts and feelings are minimizing over time but not at a rate I am content with. They appear unavoidable and nothing I can control. They come out of left field and overtake my mental, and emotional capacity.

It is draining and lonely. Oddly enough when I was kept busy growing up, I didn’t have time to process these feelings and thoughts but I still felt alone. It is not the alone thought process of ugh, no one understands me. It is alone in a sense of not understanding myself, wanting more out of life but thinking it is not attainable.

Depression is a bitch, that is not going anywhere. So to not feel alone, I need to push forward every day and find small senses of joy. It takes more work but I am not going to let this bitch make me feel alone anymore!

Survival is a funny thing. Most think it is starting a fire and hunting your own food to survive. But in today’s society, it is performing tasks you don’t want to complete to appease others. This way you don’t shake the boat and cause others to gravitate away from you. It is the whole concept of a, scratch my back and I will scratch your back mentality.

As much as I hate it, that is today’s reality that I live in and it is a reality I have tried to avoid many times. My stomach turns and my heart sinks to think this is where I have ended up. Then I realize there are no circles or systems that don’t have this mentality. It is ingrained in our society and taught over the years and time. It is unavoidable and this is heart-wrenching.

Survival in my eyes is not a give-and-take with other humans. But is a give and take with ourselves and mother nature. How did we end up giving each other this power to control one another’s survival? Regardless, now I need to come to terms with this reality that I thought I could avoid. I need to come up with a way to not feel this pit in my stomach and this disappointment. I need to figure out a way to survive in today’s society.

Perceptions can either weigh someone down or lift someone up. Regardless, they are inevitably always wrong. There are many moments, feelings, and series of life events that cause individuals to act a certain way. Most of the time we don’t even know why we respond in such practices. Especially since in today’s society it is extremely rare for people to not move at a fast pace for survival reasons.

We now live in a world, where taking the time to process to understand our sub-conscience behaviors to become in tune with ourselves is not a necessity. The easier route is to make quick rash decisions and fill our minds will frivolous information. It has become the norm that one’s perception of another person’s behavior or actions is factual. This does not sit well in my heart, mind, or gut.

I got wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of today’s society and started to lean on my perceptions. I honestly didn’t even know it was happening. Now that I am aware, I choose not to be the norm and not think my perceptions are reality. This choice and next venture are going to be rough because I also choose to not fight other people’s perceptions they have taken and spread about me. I am going to trust that these choices will lead me to feel more content with not only myself but hopefully cause a ripple effect. It is time to take a beat, step back, and choose to be better.

Subconsciously your past can affect your mind, body, and spirit. I am slowly realizing this as I become more intuned with myself. Taking a step back and listening to my body, mind, and heart and asking, “why am I feeling this way,” in certain moments opens up many doors. Doors that are scary and not all that great but I am thankful that I am working through these past contributors that affect my present daily life.

The most recent one is diving into why I am so jumpy and skittish. I used to shrug and laugh it off, just thinking, ay that is just who I am. But now I realize there is a reason roo my jumping off my seat when someone taps me on my back or why I get startled at home when someone quietly enters my space without me noticing originally. These symptoms are due to past traumas that I have buried and ignored for so long.

Baby bottles, remotes, phones, and any small object that was in arm’s reach used to be thrown near or by me and my sister when my dad was showing “passion”. The loud crashes and bangs and images of milk splattering across the wall are all now starting to flood back into my memories. The feeling of quick tight arms grabs still linger on my skin. To add to this, there was even a past relationship where my now ex-boyfriend would show-up on scene unwanted, and just yank me out of situations he deemed “not fitting” for me. Those quick arm grabs and yanks, seemed normal and now I understand why. But they were not normal and now I pay for those small acts of aggression. My co-workers, friends, husband, and family either make fun of me or judge me everytime I jump at bangs/crashes, little taps on my shoulders, or become skittish when someone enters my personal space.

I come to realize I am jumpy due to my past, and I allowed others to subconsciously affect my present. No more. My goal is to no longer feel scared and unsafe in my present. I aim to take my sense of security.

The only person I can take accountability for is myself. The only person who truly knows me is me. Many people try to figure me out, call me “intriguing” and start labeling me. It is confusing and hard to concentrate on who I actually am and who I want to be in this world.

Something I am tired of is others labeling me and thinking they understand where I am coming from. Even worse, they take what I say or my actions and twist it into something that fits their reality. My reality doesn’t ever fit the norm and I am tired of living among those that don’t hear or understand me.

Beautiful, workhorse, skilled, unprofessional, smart, humble, empathetic, unpolished, difficult, heart-breaker, scary, misfit, weird, dirty, outgoing, quiet, white, bi-racial, tom-boy, not normal, leader.

These are just a few words people have used to label me in the past few years and I hate them all because they are labels. As I don’t see myself as any of them. I don’t see myself as much as anything.

I barely trust my mind or my heart to label or define myself. So what gives others the right to define or label me. How do they expect me to trust them when I barely trust myself? My heart and my mind have led me into bad situations. Now I know to listen to my gut and intuition. Lately, I have noticed that my voice, barely leads me in the wrong direction.

My goal is to become better in tune with my gut and reconnect with those inner senses I have ignored and buried. As society teaches that it is not the norm. Well, screw the norm. My intuition and gut are my saving grace and have saved me too many times to count.

Spending time in silence is difficult but overtime it becomes peaceful. So much in fact that I yearn for it. Listening to the little notes of music from the world around you or just drifting off in thought. Allowing your mind to travel where ever it wants and end up somewhere you least expect it.

Lately, I am enjoying sitting in silence and ending up in the unexpected. Exploring and wondering in the space of my inner and deepest wishes, wants, worries, and concerns in life. Now that I allow myself the time to escape into the unexpected and now wish to dive into dissecting why my mind ends up in certain places.

The mind is a mysterious beautiful space that is difficult to unlock. But how can I prepare for the unexpected if I haven’t even unlocked my own mind and drifting thoughts?

A chaotic world is not news. Hell, we watch the news, read the newspaper, and scroll past chaos daily. Most ignore it as this is the only way to move forward and cope. We are all guilty of protecting ourselves from chaos and hurt. We are all fearful and scared in some way. But the scale of ignorance is different for individuals. It is hard to disengage for some and easy for others. This ignorance scale, does it determine if you are a good or bad person?

There is no clear answer on how much we are supposed to help in this world. I barely read the news, engage in social media, but my heart still sinks daily with my inability to help. There is too much turmoil, and heart-ache that it is drowning. It is a survival mechanism to separate myself from it or is it fear and selfishness?

No one has all the answers and no one has clarity in today’s chaotic world on what steps to take to mend the hurt. The best we all can do is give what we can and smile at the small joys in life.

Self doubt can wiegh down most in their day to day life. It is having internal wieghts on your mind and heart that are intertwind. As you struggle to break free from these weights the braided cord gets tangled and shortend causing greater tension. A tension that if difficult to ignore and unbearable.

How does one break free of this self doubt and uncertainty? To escape ones inner most thoughts and feelings and escape the uncertaity of ones own truth is a venture I am hestitant to take but one that I must.