Nobody-Default

Obviously when I first started this ‘wordpress’ notebook or diary, whatever you would like to call it, I did not know who I was. I still barely know who I am. The more I reflex, grow, and ask questions the more confused I become.

Life has taken me down so many different paths. I am 34 and still have so much to live and learn. The funny part is that presently I know I have more clarity then I could have ever thought possible. I want more clarity, and knowledge. I want to understand all aspects of my self. Something I am not sure I will ever achieve. For I am a firm believe no one will know everything about one topic. Even the knowledge of who someone is within their inner sole and core can always be hidden. It is buried beneath years to feelings, life and even unknown history.

History, what a funny topic and daunting word especially in today’s economic climate. It seems to always repeat itself. Oddly enough we are constantly re-inventing the wheel. The we I am referring to are humans. The funny thing is I despise reinventing the wheel but man have I caught my self on the same treadmill as everyone else on multiple occasions. My history is what I am thirsting for knowledge on now. I am realizing I will not become the better part of self until I understand different parts of me that were purposely hidden from me. Well, maybe not purposely hidden, but subconsciously hidden for protection or by those thinking they were doing the right thing. Regardless, the next phase in my life is to look into the past.

Understanding my family’s history will hopefully help in understanding my identity, if that is even possible, and hopefully lead me to a better version of myself. A version I would be proud of and a version I would love my children to learn, grow, and live proudly in knowing one day.

Talking out loud truly assists in figuring out my deepest thoughts and feelings. Most recently I didn’t realize how much I wanted to reconnect with my family until yesterday. Yes, we all have our issues but they are still my family. Since moving away from my state over a decade ago, I have missed out on so many birthdays, holidays, and non-planned family moments. I missed my little brother and sister growing up and I barely know them. I know one family vacation is not going to make up for all the years I lost but I plan to enjoy every second of it.

It is odd because even though my father has said many, and I mean many inadequate things to me ever since I was a child, he is proud of me. He sees me as self-sufficient and one that he can rely on when shit hits the fan. That is only probably due to the many times I have swooped in to help and my husband stood by my side to assist. I haven’t asked anything from my father in years. I think the last time was sometime in high school. Same with my mother. I recently request if they can watch my daughter when we roll into town. Even then it is more so they can spend time with their granddaughter. I honestly don’t need them to watch her but just want them to build some small trivial connection with her.

I have tried to disconnect myself from my family for many reasons. I think it hurts so much when I get disappointed by them. The past five years or so I have learned to not disconnect but just put up boundaries and still enjoy my family. I still love and miss them so I want that connection. I wish they would understand a bit more of why I do the things I do isn’t against them but to protect myself.

Blunt honestly is a preference of mine. I hate those who hide or beat around the bush. There is a sense and gut feeling when others are straight with you. People may say this is street smart or emotional intelligence. I think it is about being self-aware and knowing how I would react or share with others. It is hard to gain my trust. Once you break my trust I become guarded.

Although lately, I have decided to no longer be as guarded and defensive as I once was. Sure I will be smart and only tell certain people certain things in my life to protect myself. But I plan to not hold onto fear, anger, anxiety, or grudges against those that I feel have wronged me. It was their choice to act or behave that way, not mine. If people want to beat around the bush, and not be upfront or truthful, that is their problem, not mine. I am tired of spending so much energy, time, and emotion on those who are inadequate to share the truth up front. Those that are so scared that they are not honest with themselves or honest with others.

I choose to continue to be me, be honest up front, and be me. I choose to not give my time and energy to those who choose a different path. I choose to not be drained by others. I choose to trust my gut and live my best life possible. I choose to trust myself.

I don’t know my breaking point or why I keep trying to move forward. Life and the world are unpredictable and shit comes out of the left field. The people in this world that can enjoy life and bounce back quickly from setbacks, I not only admire but also wish to know their secrets.

My troubles are not that dire compared to many other endeavors people have to endure in today’s world. I am struggling tho to bounce back and find a path to happiness. I do not know how I am going to get out of this slump. There are so many great things I have going for me but it is still hard to not focus on the bad.

I think I have people trying to either purposely or subconsciously make me look bad at work. It shouldn’t get to me as much as it is but it is hard to think that a few people’s perceptions or suggestions of who I am can wash away 5 years of hard work.

Now, with this being known, I am trying to take accountability for my actions and not others. I can not control other people’s choices, words, or actions. I can only control mine. I am choosing to be quiet at the moment and not involve myself. Kind of sad about this choice but at the same time it is a survival mechanism. I have noticed that this is a pattern, the moment people start to attack my character I tend to back down, hibernate, become silent, and cower away.

The people around me at work have broken me and now I am cowering away. I am not sure how to bounce back from this and not sure if I should continue to flow with my normal behavior or try to challenge myself and now cower. To be honest, I don’t know if it is worth challenging myself to bounce back in their environment.

Oddly enough, I have felt a sense of peace with the many things going on in my immediate world and the entire world. My Mommom’s best friend’s passing reminds me that many events are not in our control and to enjoy life. She used to tell me not to worry about other people’s wishes, wants, and thoughts but to follow my heart.

I hold back so much in life due to other people’s wishes, wants, and expectations. I was trained to put others before myself and act a certain way depending on which group of people I was interacting with. This has caused me to not understand my own wants in life or even know my own passions. What makes me happy outside of supporting and spending time with my family. I have held back for so long, that I get confused about whether or not to give in to people’s wants to keep them passive and happy or to actually speak up. I tried speaking up this past year, and it really didn’t help me in life. Rather people seem to stay away from me or not involve me in conversations anymore.

I need to find a healthy balance but first I think I need to find a sense of self before opening up. So time to step back, and go back to holding back, but instead of caving to help others all the time, I plan to devote more time to questioning how I would want to proceed. Always thought this was selfish to do but I want to have a voice and choice. I want to start feeling happy and passionate about the daily conversations and events in my life with them being tied to other people’s happiness.

Grief hits hard and it is ordinarily unexpected. Last night I received news that my Mommoms best friend passed and the funeral was already held. This news hit me like a ton of bricks.

She was 92 years old and usually, people do not become friends with their Mommoms best friend but for some reason I did. My Mommom passed while I was in high school but for some reason, I would still take trips to see her best friend. I would run errands with her, take her to the doctor, would go get breakfast, and she would tell stories of the past. It saddens me to move away from her and not be able to help her from time to time or have our breakfast trips. We would carry on our conversations over the phone and she would give me great life advice. She had such a calm light-hearted demeanor, even about the scariest things in life. This woman was born in her 20s, has seen many things in her life, and has lived through many hardships. I have no clue how she kept going until she was 92. She is inspirational to me in many ways in my life and I will miss her dearly. Her voice will always be in my head guiding me through out my life.

Grieving her is hard but the pain is worth it since I got to befriend an amazing individual.

It is amazing what getting out of your day-to-day can do to clear your mind. I am fortunate to experience this every so often. This past weekend my sister and I took our mom away for a birthday beach weekend. The three of us have not spent time like this together in over 9 years. It allowed us time to reconnect and revert to just being the three woman that relied on one another growing-up.

It was also refreshing to see how much each one of us had grown. We grew-up going going going and alwasys needed to move from one thing to the next. Whether that was homes, job, family events; our lives were constantly in motion. We never left time to breathe, think, or connect to our feelings. Hell we barely spoke about feelings. Most of the time if we had difference of options we would get into fights that would later be resolved with the next event we had to prepare for. Now we have come full circle and we are starting to realize the value in taking time for ourselves and for one another. The gift of being able to enjoy their company this weekend and not feel anxiety was wonderful.

We have come far in life and with one another. They are my family and yes, our perceptions, and opions differ in life but they are starting to finally give me a bit of respect towards my boundaries. We are stepping towards a new chapter in our relationships and I hope we continue to grow together instead of apart.

Oddly enough it is natural to have a sense of a tribe or a community. Due to all my moving around the past decade, my community is all virtual. My best friends live all throughout the world and our main ways of communication are text, calls, video calls, etc. I miss all my friends dearly because those I keep near and dear to my heart know me well enough that I can trust them. My trust is not easily gained and you can say that these select few individuals are good people.

My counselor mentioned that I should start trying to look for an in-person community in my area. She asked where I thought I may “fit in” and to be honest, I have no clue what tribe or group of people I would enjoy being around. If you look at my chosen friends they are all vastly different in some way. You have the country gal, the hippie intellect, the artsy genuine guy, the smart engineer, the religious outgoing beauty, the worldy scientists, etc. If you lined up my friends the only connection they have to one another is that they know me.

So what type of community do I want to try and branch into in my new town? I have no fricken clue! I barely know what passions in life I enjoy besides enjoying time with my family, cooking, and being outside in nature. The old passions I had of sports, art, and reading all now cause me anxiety due to my family creating trauma around those activities while I grew up. I miss all those things but I have noticed I get scared and anxious to this day every time I partake in them as a grown adult.

So what is next? Guess I will just take small steps and try to put myself out there.

Every day is a new day but in the course of a mere 24 hours, many life-altering events can occur. Yesterday an announcement was issued at work and I was surprised about my reaction. I was uneasy when I thought the initial reaction would have been a relief. After much contemplation, I realized that I was uneasy because I was more concerned about our whole organization than myself. My first response was to worry about others then it was to be relieved about my own mental and emotional health.

If you come to know me, this wouldn’t be much of a surprise but this is a concern for me. My natural instinct is to put others before myself. Even if the ultimate outcome will hurt me, I naturally gravitate to make sure others are not hurt. If we lived in an age of survival of the fittest, I would probably be long gone by now. Which is sad to think about. I am not sure why I gravitate to make sure others feel safe or are safe in life. To most this sounds sweet but to me is starting to be a burden. I am realizing that this natural instinct really does hurt me in life which in parts trickles down to hurt my family.

I need to start unpacking why I naturally put others before me and find a balance. Because I am starting to realize this empathetic way of life is only going to hold me back in life and then burden my childern to work harder in life. And this mere thought is uneasy.