Sickness

Diseases, illness, and sickness have been of interest to me lately. This all stems from me curled up on my bedroom floor, having a panic attack, while crying, and gasping to breathe because my nose was completely clogged. I was diagnosed with RSV a few weeks ago, and let me say, having RSV while pregnant is quite debilitating. Due to growing another human, I am unable to take medications to relieve or cure the RSV faster, and if you choose to do any research, you will see it takes longer for RSV to run its course if a woman is pregnant. Not to mention, while being pregnant, most of your O2 goes to the baby in the first place, so now I have two sources as to why it is challenging to breathe daily.

So I am lying there, trying to calm myself down, and mentally I am scared because I was worried I would not be able to catch my breath. I started to think of all these horrible thoughts, and this continued my anxiety attack to heighten. How did I resolve this attack on my own? I started to link how my anxiety and my mind are a disease. A disease that was genetically passed to me and my body was fighting off not only a sickness, RSV, but technically also a parasite, my baby. Yes, I know it is not socially acceptable to call babies parasites, but they technically are since they absorb and use all their mother’s nutrients and many other functional resources to grow.

I was fighting off so much in one moment, and my mind turned from harmful thoughts to scientific ones. Soon, I was thinking about how much my body was doing in those few minutes, and I started to calm down and breathe through my mouth, but I was still breathing. I was no longer panicking, gasping for air, or damaging my sense of self; I was fighting back.

This was a rock bottom moment for me, but I am truly happy I had it. From low moments, I realize how much I am grateful for just being alive. Being able to live life and cherish so many small, happy moments is why I stay present. Today is also a dear uncle’s anniversary of death via a brain aneurysm. His death was quick, unforeseen, and devastating. He was only 52 and left behind my 3 amazing cousins who have continued to impress me with their resilience and attitudes at conquering the world. I wish I could hear his laugh just one more time, since he was the happiest person I knew. Sadly, due to a family strife, I barely got to spend much time with him in his last few years of living, but I now plan to live life to the fullest as much as he did.

Depression, anxiety, RSV, and even pregnancy are all small moments in our lives. It is my job to remind myself that they do not control me, but are all sickness, illnesses, and/or diseases that I can overcome with time. I am here to live and enjoy life, not to give in to sicknesses that may try to bring me down.