We all know I started posting for selfish reasons. To get the thoughts out of my brain onto ‘paper’ as oddly enough it is easier for me to type instead of write now. I used to write so much when I was a kid but sadly had to stop due to others finding my writings and getting angry about them. Now I am an adult who works in tech and can type faster then I can write. This makes me sad and concerned.
My anxiety and worry is fluctuating off the charts lately and it is hard to keep them all in line. I didn’t even realize I was concerned about my writing capabilities until I just typed it. My brain is bouncing all over the place and I think it is interesting that there are a few people reading and enjoying the posts. To be honest I am not sure they are insightful or they are just a way for me to vent. To get things on ‘paper’ instead of continuously circling around in my brain.
I have so many things in my life to be happy about but for some reason I can not stop the negative, sad thoughts that spring out of now where. For today, there is a family funeral I am unable to attend since I am overseas in a different country. I am sad I am not there with my family and there are so many worries that keep coming across my mind. Meanwhile there is nothing I can really do besides go for a walk, take a shower, take care of the kids, and head into work. I called and talked to a few key family members but it is not the same as being present in person.
Going for a power walk really helped and sweating out the concerns really helped but now sitting at my desk preparing for what feels like a ‘normal’ day just seems awkward and I feel guilty. I have made my peace with their passing already but not peace with not being there for my sibling, cousins, step-mom and dad. I know they are fine without me being there but I also know they have all expressed that they wish I was with them.
Tis the life of someone who choose to move from home, marry a person not from the united states, and inspiring to build a better future for our kids. I am hoping this journey and path I am taking will be worth it but who the hell knows. Only time will tell and if I succeed at my goals, then I will know taking a different path then what I was told was correct, will be worth it. I sure hope putting down a pen for a keyboard will be fruitful. But man do I miss my roots.
Nobody-Default 