Talking out loud truly assists in figuring out my deepest thoughts and feelings. Most recently I didn’t realize how much I wanted to reconnect with my family until yesterday. Yes, we all have our issues but they are still my family. Since moving away from my state over a decade ago, I have missed out on so many birthdays, holidays, and non-planned family moments. I missed my little brother and sister growing up and I barely know them. I know one family vacation is not going to make up for all the years I lost but I plan to enjoy every second of it.
It is odd because even though my father has said many, and I mean many inadequate things to me ever since I was a child, he is proud of me. He sees me as self-sufficient and one that he can rely on when shit hits the fan. That is only probably due to the many times I have swooped in to help and my husband stood by my side to assist. I haven’t asked anything from my father in years. I think the last time was sometime in high school. Same with my mother. I recently request if they can watch my daughter when we roll into town. Even then it is more so they can spend time with their granddaughter. I honestly don’t need them to watch her but just want them to build some small trivial connection with her.
I have tried to disconnect myself from my family for many reasons. I think it hurts so much when I get disappointed by them. The past five years or so I have learned to not disconnect but just put up boundaries and still enjoy my family. I still love and miss them so I want that connection. I wish they would understand a bit more of why I do the things I do isn’t against them but to protect myself.
Nobody-Default 