Oddly enough, I have felt a sense of peace with the many things going on in my immediate world and the entire world. My Mommom’s best friend’s passing reminds me that many events are not in our control and to enjoy life. She used to tell me not to worry about other people’s wishes, wants, and thoughts but to follow my heart.
I hold back so much in life due to other people’s wishes, wants, and expectations. I was trained to put others before myself and act a certain way depending on which group of people I was interacting with. This has caused me to not understand my own wants in life or even know my own passions. What makes me happy outside of supporting and spending time with my family. I have held back for so long, that I get confused about whether or not to give in to people’s wants to keep them passive and happy or to actually speak up. I tried speaking up this past year, and it really didn’t help me in life. Rather people seem to stay away from me or not involve me in conversations anymore.
I need to find a healthy balance but first I think I need to find a sense of self before opening up. So time to step back, and go back to holding back, but instead of caving to help others all the time, I plan to devote more time to questioning how I would want to proceed. Always thought this was selfish to do but I want to have a voice and choice. I want to start feeling happy and passionate about the daily conversations and events in my life with them being tied to other people’s happiness.
Nobody-Default 