Subconsciously your past can affect your mind, body, and spirit. I am slowly realizing this as I become more intuned with myself. Taking a step back and listening to my body, mind, and heart and asking, “why am I feeling this way,” in certain moments opens up many doors. Doors that are scary and not all that great but I am thankful that I am working through these past contributors that affect my present daily life.
The most recent one is diving into why I am so jumpy and skittish. I used to shrug and laugh it off, just thinking, ay that is just who I am. But now I realize there is a reason roo my jumping off my seat when someone taps me on my back or why I get startled at home when someone quietly enters my space without me noticing originally. These symptoms are due to past traumas that I have buried and ignored for so long.
Baby bottles, remotes, phones, and any small object that was in arm’s reach used to be thrown near or by me and my sister when my dad was showing “passion”. The loud crashes and bangs and images of milk splattering across the wall are all now starting to flood back into my memories. The feeling of quick tight arms grabs still linger on my skin. To add to this, there was even a past relationship where my now ex-boyfriend would show-up on scene unwanted, and just yank me out of situations he deemed “not fitting” for me. Those quick arm grabs and yanks, seemed normal and now I understand why. But they were not normal and now I pay for those small acts of aggression. My co-workers, friends, husband, and family either make fun of me or judge me everytime I jump at bangs/crashes, little taps on my shoulders, or become skittish when someone enters my personal space.
I come to realize I am jumpy due to my past, and I allowed others to subconsciously affect my present. No more. My goal is to no longer feel scared and unsafe in my present. I aim to take my sense of security.
Nobody-Default 