Interestingly enough my day to day tasks constantly kept me busy. For the longest point in my life, I was never bored or did not have a moment to breathe. For the past few years, I have had the privilege of having time for myself, given time to self reflect, to not have every moment planned, and to actually breathe. You would think that this would be a relief, but in fact, it is the exact opposite. It is rather scary to be alone with one’s own mind.
I catch myself realizing I really do not know myself or have a sense of awareness of my wants, likes or desires. I am constantly self-doubting my self with uncertainty and I realize I have never given myself time in my life to discover myself. To read, travel, and explore different possibilities and passions.
Passion is such an interesting and strong word. It was a word my father used to describe during our fights to describe his yelling, “I am not yelling, I am just being passionate.” I was raised to be constantly changing, constantly moving, and always do what others wanted that I never was given time to discover my wants, desires, and passions. Now that I have the time, I have no clue where to start. What makes it even harder is that I am my own worst critic and start beating myself up mentally and emotionally stating “it is too late”.
I can’t find the motivations to go out and discover what I am passionate about. I have lost the lust and eagerness to venture out, try new things, and take chances of self-discovery. How does one motivate themself to try new things when they feel pointless. Pointless to re-invent themselves and have the feeling of pointlessness and emptiness. One tactic is telling myself how fortunate I am compared to others. Oddly what used to motivate me at a ripe old age of 12 was reading about the holocaust. It made me realize I should make something of my life that I have been given and not waste it. Especially since other’s lives were taken from them.
I am extremely fortunate in the mere fact that I have choices. Every day I wake up and choose to get out of bed and not take my life. I choose to live because I know others were not given that choice. Now, I need to find even further strength to motivate myself and make something of my life. To stop feeling so depressed (although depression is not a choice and it is not going anywhere) and start living this life I am so fortunate to be gifted. I need to find the courage to live, be happy, and experience passion!
Nobody-Default 